Rob Kardashian leaked Kylie’s phone number, so we text her

Rob Kardashian is a divil.

He tweeted Kylie Jenner's phone number last night and seemed pretty thrilled with himself about it. Naturally, I've poked my oar in and decided to text Kylie because a) It's probably not her actual number b) There's not a hope in heck she's going to reply and c) I have literally nothing better to do with my time. Here's some texts I sent to my good friend Kylie Jenner.

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I played it very cool with my first text. I kind of wanted to trick her into thinking that I was one of her friends, which by the end of this exercise, I will be. Rudely, there was no reply. I then tried to get her attention with some light humour and a very subtle hint at what I'm hoping to gain from this interaction. Again, no reply. The pressure was on. It was time to bring out the big hitters.I needed a solid joke that would make her BEG for my friendship. It would appear that the pressure got to me because that was complete garbage and, rightfully so, Kylie ignored it. So I tried again. I really thought that would do it. It's funny, self-deprecating and I felt she'd appreciate it because she looks great in the photo. Alas, she was having none of my shit. I decided to try to evoke a non-existent memory. As expected, Kylie still wasn't playing ball. The weight that I was failing myself and my country was starting to hit home. I needed a killer joke and I needed one fast. I put all my efforts into this next one. I will take that joke to the grave, that's how strongly I feel about it. Maybe it's not really Kylie's phone number at all that Rob leaked. No way would she ignore such A+ material. Rob has tricked me, he's tricked us all. BUT WAIT - A few minutes later, this happened: She's typing! This is it, Kylie Jenner is about to swoon over my excellent sense of humour and offer to fly me out to L.A. to be her new best friend. I will get so many lip kits, I'll be the envy of every soul back in Ireland. Then, to my dismay, the screen simply went back to this: After consulting my colleagues, there's a few possible things that have happened here:

1. Kylie Jenner saw my joke and really liked it
2. Kylie Jenner was going to reply to my joke but got distracted
3. Kylie Jenner screengrabbed my joke to send to all her friends
4. Kylie Jenner is not the owner of that phone number and I have probably been blocked by now
5. Cop on Ciara and do some proper work

I am choosing to believe points 1,2,3 and disregarding 4 because that is blatantly not what's happened. Point number 5 was rude. Henceforth, today, 27th September 2016, is the day that I made Kylie Jenner laugh and I cemented myself as one of her closest friends.