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30th May 2016
07:07pm BST
Babe, please. Live a little. You're a predictable Paula and rarely stray from the ordinary. Your life is meticulously planned out and, sorry to say it, you're quite basic. You enjoy life's simple pleasures such as raiding the accessories in Penneys, having a (very tame) cheat day on the weekend and sometimes treating yourself to a quick Google image search of Ryan Gosling - he's just so dreamy!
Jo Malone / Chanel No. 5
Woah, calm the flip down there, pal. You spritz yourself in notions every morning and repeat throughout the day to keep up the facade that you are, indeed, Jane Fonda. More than once, you've been tempted to decant your perfume into one of those spritzer mechanisms (you know well it's called an atomizer!) so you can pretend you're violently wealthy. Life is about informing people that you're better than them, at any cost. Unfortunately, the supermarket coupons in your purse tell a shameful secret that you've actually got a very average income.
Britney Spears / JLo
Call the police, we've got a lunatic on our hands here. You're a carefree girl who likes to let loose. In college, you went out five nights a week and your grades certainly reflected that, young lady. Nowadays, you're slightly more strategic about your wild ways. A quick spray of perfume every twelve minutes has your coworkers wishing you'd kindly flush yourself down the toilet and be rid of them. You've shifted a large portion of your hometown during your teenage years and you don't care to be reminded.
Tom Ford
Thank you for reading this, your majesty. I am truly not worthy. You must've won the lottery at some point because no muggle in their right mind can afford to join you in using this specific scent. You have caviar for breakfast, followed by a quick sit on the veranda and then a meander through your private estate. One time, one of your expensive and rare horses accidentally chewed the lid of your perfume bottle. It was so funny, you laughed all the way back to one of your walk-in wardrobes to use a reserve bottle instead.
Lady Million / Lacoste Pink
Let's call a spade a spade here, you are a thug. You sit in the bus seats specifically reserved for elderly people and you never tip in restaurants. You've never rinsed your recyclables before popping them in the incorrect recycling bin. You believe that global warming is a myth and you've never read a Harry Potter book. You use a friend's Netflix account and you take two free samples in the supermarket when it stipulates that it's only one per customer. You're scum.
