There aren’t enough words to convey the horrors that await on online dating websites. Sure, some people go and manage to wade through the weird to find love but for most, it’s a minefield of awkward eye contact and uncomfortable silences.
One unfortunate soul found herself on OkCupid recently and thought she encountered a decent match. In a hilarious account,
Courtney Steen describes how a lethal combination of loneliness and boredom resulted in the most awful dating encounter, possibly ever.
She writes on
Reddit:
“I was 25, newly single and all alone in a big metropolis. I had relocated to pursue a love interest the year before, and when that went south I was devastated. I had been doing what any logical person would do: binge date myself into oblivion.”
It was only a matter of time before the young woman encountered a man Courtney calls Albert.
“He was 38 and worked as a screenwriter and by all accounts seemed successful and normal. He had recently moved to my city,” she writes.
Courtney explains that they engaged in conversation briefly, exchanged Skype names but ultimately she opted for to ghost him.
A short while later, Courtney logged into Skype and was greeted by messages from Albert.
“I was actually fresh off the sting of a particularly bad rejection when I happened to log into Skype for the first time in a few months. Albert messages me right away. He had deactivated his OKC profile but he said he had been looking forward to talking to me. He told me that I really caught his eye and that he didn't want to miss this opportunity. He asks me if I can Skype later that evening.”
She obliges and they have two fun-filled Skype dates.
It’s at this point in the story the author reveals that her marriage broke down because of her ex-husbands fetish for feet.
Courtney reveals:
“I got married to a man who was a decade older than me and he was a virgin until a fairly non-traditional age, and we had a lot of sexual incompatibility. I was young and had no idea what I had gotten myself into. He was sexually impotent and eventually I learned it was because he was only sexually aroused by feet, smelly nylons or the idea of older women raping him. Our relationship was almost completely sexless and lacked most other forms of non-sexual intimacy. He secretly used porn to get his jollies off because I didn't have footgasms and let me waste away into a deep depression until I left him when I was 23.”
The author continued to talk to Albert and on their third Skype date they agreed to meet. She offered him her address which she reveals is a very big mistake.
“I was high on infatuation,” she writes.
“First impression was that he's older than he looked on webcam and the body language between us is awkward. He hadn't been there five minutes and I can tell he's trying to force me into a kiss instead of letting it happen naturally. I felt a wet blanket hit the flame.”
Things quickly went from bad to worse when Albert starts rubbing the writers feet and well, yeah things progressed and Albert placed Courtney's toes in his mouth.
“IT IS THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD TO HAVE YOUR TOES VACUUM SEALED IN THE FLESH OF SOMEONE'S CHEEK AND TONGUE,” she exclaims for anyone unfamiliar with the feeling.
But it doesn’t end there.
“So after sucking on my toes, he climbs on top of me and begins kissing me more (yes, ew). He fondles my breasts and they're hanging out of my shirt, he's pinning me under his weight when he abruptly stops and pulls away and stares into my eyes.”
“‘There's something I have to tell you’, he says.”
After a long silence, Albert reveals that he is a virgin and continues to explicitly explain why.
“So he pulls me into his chest to cuddle, takes out his vaporizer, and with his arms around me he spends the next half hour telling me the bizarre story of two decades of almost but not quite having sex. He has dated dozens of women, but between his religious upbringing and "acts of God" - the deed has never been done. He then tells me he is interested in "losing it" before he turns 40 and he just wants me to know that it is on the table.”
Luckily Courtney somehow managed to escape the situation without popping Alberts cherry and swiftly deactivated all online dating profiles.
Follow Courtney on Twitter HERE.
