The 5 stages of self-discovery we all go through when watching OITNB
Orange most certainly is the New Black
It's quite cruel how we have to wait a whole year for each series, then ultimately end up devouring it in a matter of days. How dare we have no self control.
It has come to my attention that watching Orange Is The New Black is a voyage of self discovery. In watching these girls meander their way through prison life, we learn a lot about ourselves and how we would cope in a similar situation.
Behold, the five stages of self discovery as a result of watching OITNB.
STAGE 1: Reaffirming Your Morals
You decide early on in the series that you are never going to commit a crime. Truthfully, you'd reached that conclusion a long time ago, but seeing the harsh realities of prison life confirms that decision. Criminality is not the way to go about your business. You are a rogue vagabond that simply cannot be tamed. As each character's back story is introduced, you find yourself remarking 'eejit' when their downfall becomes apparent. It's almost like you're studying the series to help align your moral compass.
STAGE 2: Practicality
Despite learning from the girls' mistakes, your mind wanders into dangerous territory. In the unlikely event that you end up in prison, you're going to need to be prepared. What items would you make a beeline for in the commissary? What quirky way would you fashion your uniform? There's a lot that you need to meticulously plan. Are you allowed to bring tweezers? What if that gross ingrown hair shows up on your leg again? Baby steps. Put a list together and we'll work on that.
STAGE 3: Alliances
You're not the kind of person that makes friends for the sake of it. On 'the inside', you're going to have to change that. These huns need to have your back. Chapman is the most annoying human being on the planet, so naturally you'll be avoiding her. Red would be likely to look after you and give you spare yoghurts, so she's an essential person to stick with. After that, you need to keep your wits about you. Some of those girls are lunatics and will take advantage of your kind-hearted nature.
STAGE 4: Realisations
Let's call a spade a spade here folks, girls are attractive. You needn't be exclusively homosexual to appreciate a fine looking member of the same sex. The fact is, a lot of the girls in OITNB are stunning and it's entirely fine to acknowledge that. How are they maintaining such flawless skin, hair and eyebrows under the confines of a minimum security prison? There's no way they aren't using some sort of witchcraft in there. Oh wait, this is a television programme and they are all actors. Of course they're stunning. Sake.
STAGE 5: Conclusions
You began watching OITNB with an open mind and 50 impressionable minutes later, your thoughts have wandered into a place where you're literally an inmate at Litchfield Penitentiary. Surprisingly, you've carved out a pretty decent life for yourself. You'd be part of Red's little family and spend a large portion of your time admiring how attractive your fellow prisoners are. If push comes to shove, you could easily last a few years in there. It seems quite nice and you'd definitely make a lot of lifelong friends. Thanks OITNB, for making the life of a criminal reasonably appealing.
Lead image via Spoiler TV.