23 food rules that should never, ever be broken

1. KitKats must always be snapped before eating. Doing this is fucking sacrilege.

2. Ketchup goes on the side of the chips. Never, ever on top. Never.

This is 100% worth unfriending someone over.

3. And it’s a condiment, not a sauce. You can’t just put it on spaghetti and call it a meal.

4. It goes tea bag, water, milk. If you meet anyone who thinks milk first is acceptable it is strongly encouraged that you call the police immediately.

5. You eat the pointy bit of the pizza first. Obviously. This is so not OK.

Now you’re gonna get your hands all greasy, idiot.

6. If you don’t open your crisps the right way up, you will get back luck forever and probably die.

7. Cheesestrings must always be peeled. What’s the fucking point of Cheesestrings if you don’t make them into cheese strings?

8. When you’re eating wings, you should actually, you know, eat the wings.

9. And ribs too. Seriously what even is this mess?

10. If you’re in a restaurant with a drink machine and you’re under 12 years old, it is the law that you have to mix all the drinks together to create a weird brown cocktail.

11. The only acceptable liquid to put in your cereal is milk. Not water, or orange juice, or fucking COCA COLA.

12. And the milk goes in after the cereal, ffs.

13. A pie should have pastry all the way round, not just some shit flimsy lid. This is not a pie, it’s meat with a haircut.

14. You must always try to peel a satsuma in one go, because what else is life about if not those tiny victories?

15. When eating Jaffa Cakes, you MUST eat all the cakey bit round the outside before you can touch the orangey bit.

16. All burgers must be eaten with your hands, even if it’s fucking massive and impossible to hold.

17. This might sound obvious, but apparently it’s not obvious enough – please take the wax off a Babybel before you eat it.

18. If you’re sharing dip with other people, you must never double dip, because that’s gross.

19. A roast without gravy is not a real roast. Don’t settle for this bullshit.

20. When you’re having a Fab, you absolutely must eat all the chocolatey bit off the top first. You must.

21. The correct spoons for eating yoghurt are: teaspoon for little pots, dessert spoon if you’re eating from one of those big Greek yoghurt ones.

22. Cake must be eaten in a uniform matter. Don’t be a part of whatever the fuck’s happened here.

23. Oh, and if you’re making cake, it needs to actually be made out of cake.