Notions.
As the debate over whether the boom really is back rages on, there’s one surefire harbinger that suggests we’re well on our way back to 2006 levels of indulgence.
The humble avocado, a veritable mascot for urban-dwelling ladies in their twenties and thirties everywhere, has wriggled its way onto our plates and into our hearts in recent years.
The fact that it’s healthy, tasty and versatile means it’s here to stay, but some of us are ever so slightly more obsessed than others.
Here’s our queen and saviour Beyoncé to demonstrate the eight stages of becoming an avocado addict.
1. Confusion
Curious about the hype surrounding avocados, you try some for the first time and fail to see why exactly your friends/ relatives/ the dogs in the street are raving about this mushy, bland fruit. Why is everyone so obsessed? What’s the big deal? It’s so plain. You try a second bite, just to be su-
2. Realisation
This. Is. AMAZING. What’s changed? Why do you suddenly love it? You don’t know. You don’t care. The second half of your life has begun
3. Obsession
You smush it on every food, practically wetting yourself with every new combination you find. On rice cakes? Obvs. Your Sunday roast? Yaaaas. Your morning cornflakes? Wouldn’t rule it out. You become a pusher too, urging everyone you know to get on the avocado bandwagon.
4. Dependency
Welcome to hell. You trawl the fruit and veg aisle, squeezing avocados in the search for your next hit, all the while trying to calculate exactly what hour of which day you’ll use the damn thing because their window of ripeness is so fricking small. You rack up debt trying to feed this expensive habit and start to understand that this is the reason you’ll never be approved for a mortgage.
5. Rock bottom
It dawns on you that you haven’t had an avocado-free conversation in weeks. Your friends stop inviting you out for dinner, knowing you plan your meals around one food and one food only. You realise that you need to act. This is the second act of the rom-com, the part where you and avocados spend some time apart. You stop buying them. Still, you sometimes wrap yourself in a blanket and think about them.
6. Recovery
The sun comes out. You find yourself laughing again. There might even be another superfood in your life now – a cheeky punnet of blueberries, perhaps. In restaurants, you watch others load their burritos with guac and you smile quietly to yourself. You’ve turned a corner.
7. Relapse
Out for brunch of a Sunday, you order a side of avocado. No big deal. You can handle it, you tell yourself. But as soon as it hits your palate, wedged between some sourdough and runny egg yolk, it all comes flooding back. Ecstasy. The delirious indulgence of it all puts you on high for the rest of the day. This time, there’s no going back.
8. Acceptance
Why fight it? This is who you are now. You flaunt your addiction with pride – an avocado-themed t-shirt or phone case helps you do this. The jeers of “notions” and “basic bitch” from people who don’t eat avocados no longer bother you. Those poor unfortunates will never know what you know.
*Disclaimer* No official word on whether Queen B herself is an avocado fan, but given her love of hot sauce, you’d have to assume she enjoys a spot of guacamole to balance the flavours. Just a theory.
