The definitive ranking of Cadbury's Roses
I apologise in advance for what lies ahead.
There's little as divisive as a tin of Roses. For starters, we all need to acknowledge that they've gotten smaller and these new wrappers are both inconvenient and a means of distraction from the fact that there's even less sweets packed in nowadays.
Everyone's always desperate to get their hands in, have a quick rummage around and pull out several of their favourites, as is tradition. But what happens if your favourites correspond with someone else's? War, that's what.
Here is the definitive ranking of Cadbury's Roses from worst to best. Don't @ me.
11. Tangy Orange Creme
This particular sweet is what I imagine you are offered when you reach the bowels of hell. Even the word 'tangy' is enough to make me dry wretch. Also, we need to discuss why sometimes the orange icing stuff in the middle is hard and other times it's soft? It's offensive and wrong.
10. Country Fudge
The shape of this chocolate is completely off-putting. There's no elegant way to shove a turd of fudge in your mouth, so you're forced to bite it and then consume in two increments. It requires far too much chewing and then you have another half to tackle. Too much effort, not enough of a pay off.
Perhaps I was raised incorrectly, but I believe that caramel should be a liquid, not solid. Whatever concoction they're getting away with down at the Cadbury's factory, they need to be pulled aside and heavily scolded. They did away with the angelic Caramel Velvet (green wrapper), yet this dark stain on our heritage remains? Obnoxious.
8. Strawberry Dream
Another disgrace that should never have made it out of the boardroom. There is nothing remotely delicious about the pairing of chocolate with a weird strawberry-flavoured gloopy icing mess. The ratio of chocolate to gloop is way off and it suffocates the chocolate. People have been arrested for less.
7. Coffee Escape
This is a reasonably new addition to the Roses family and having given it a fair chance, I can safely conclude that it is scum. Coffee isn't a nice flavour unless you are drinking it. The consistency of the coffee part is very soft and limp, like you've left it in your pocked all day and only just remembered it was there. Forgettable.
6. Signature Truffle
It's essentially the Coffee Escape, minus the taste of coffee. My main gripe remains, the inside is a weird texture that crumbles too easily. Bring back the plain Dairy Milk sweet in its place and allow us, as a nation, to experience unbridled happiness again. Please.
5. Brazilian Darkness
It's a very bold move putting dark chocolate in a tin of Roses because, as we all know, it's absolute garbage. However, the BD gets away with it because the content balances out the bitter dark chocolate taste with a very decent scattering of nuts, combined with chewy toffee. A very decent effort.
4. Almond Caramel Bite
This cheeky little number only arrived in the last year or two and the light has somehow returned in my life again. There's the right amount of chew, almond and chocolate combined into a decent shaped sweet. Whoever invented this one gets to give the plain caramel sweet inventor a scolding until they see the error of their ways.
3. Golden Barrel
Finally, a caramel that isn't afraid to be soft. This sweet gets a high ranking based its old shape, those little ridges used to feel fantastic on the roof of your mouth (hold the jokes please), along with a very high quality drizzle caramel that oozes out in all the right places. Unfortunately, it has a smoother outside now, but it's still a solid 10.
2. Hazel Whirl
Very, very edgy that they've abbreviated hazelnut to her first name, Hazel. This sweet has a very palatable shape and content that's earned it the second spot. The swirled chocolate provides a welcome break from the monotony of the other Roses (and life), paired with a whole hazelnut that's a lot of fun to find.
1. Hazel In Caramel
Easily the most important chocolate of our generation, the Hazel In Caramel has the power to prevent crime, end wars, cease global warming and reunite Nemo with his family. The caramel is just the right amount of runny, and the hazelnut is slightly softened due to its surroundings, meaning your delicate little nashers can sit back and allow the rest of your mouth to do the heavy lifting. We need to address the fact that Hazel has lost her big beefy shape of the past, which is a criminal offence on Cadbury's part, but the taste remains so we can overlook it for now.
Lead image via Cadbury