What your brunch order says about you
Far from brunch we were reared!
Listen, as a nation, we need to talk about where brunch has come from? Where do we draw the line? Is 'linner' on the way? What about 'dinupper'? Folks. It is an epidemic.
Here's what your notions-filled brunch order says about you.
Let's call a spade a spade, you're a basic soul. The main reason you're going for brunch is so you can check yourself in on Facebook and upload a heavily-filtered Instagram to can reach the highly coveted 11 likes. This isn't the place for you.
You just wanted to go into town for a quick nose around Penneys and your most pretentious friend suggested brunch. Christ above. A pregnancy scare would be more comfortable! You panicked when you read the menu and the only word you recognised was eggs. In fairness, sure as eggs is eggs, you're making the most of a bad situation.
Ugh, mate. What's happening? Brunch isn't the place for your kind. You've just run a 10k, followed by some intense squats and a half hour on the cross trainer. Instead of sitting at home with your perfect body feeling miserable, you've decided to come to brunch and make everyone else feel like a pig. Sound.
Fitness is life and you'll loudly and heroically tell the waiter/waitress that you'll be having the granola with greek yoghurt, pumpkin seeds and a half teaspoon of sadness. Well done you! In future, keep your disgusting healthy lifestyle at home. There is simply no need for your kind to be out and about.
You were born to spend over €25 on your foundation and the rest of the world has a hard time keeping up with your high flying lifestyle. Brunch feels very natural to you, as you pull up to the eatery in your Range Rover and sigh at the thought of having to physically park your own vehicle like a peasant.
Avocados are your main staple in life, along with San Pellegrino sparkling water and quinoa. Brunch with you is usually drowned in conversations about your recent trip to a remote island off the coast of Crete where it was "almost too hot". You're fooling nobody with your "healthy" salad. With the amount of bacon and croutons included, you may as well have gotten a Big Mac.
Finally, a hero walks among us. You're well aware that brunch is a time to gorge yourself on everything and anything that your precious little stomach can handle. After all, you're combining two meals into one! That means twice the calories and three times the carefree attitude. It's the weekend and that means living life to the fullest.
You'll get extra whipped cream on those bad boys and why the hell not? Along with a side of bacon? Christ almighty, when you're out, you're out. You're very likely to be hungover from the night before and indoor sunglasses will be a mandatory addition to proceedings. Brunch will be washed down with some sort of alcoholic beverage and you feel no shame in doing so.
You're going to need to get in touch with me because I want to be your best friend. It takes a certain amount of liathroidi to laugh in the face of brunch and simply gorge yourself on bottomless prosecco, mimosas and margaritas. You are truly the best friend we all want, but we are not worthy of.
Your motto is 'eating is cheating' and you simply can't fathom paying upwards of €10 for what is essentially a slice of toast with a few random items from the fridge sprinkled on top. The staff are taken aback and question your motives, but you are a persistent Penny and you will see your money's worth on those bottomless beverages. I truly salute you.