Every Halloween I have such high hopes for masterminding a costume that is saucy but not slutty.
You know the thing that will help me to vadge-stalk what ever poor unfortunate man I have put the eye on and then devour him like a bag of funsize Mars bars, monkey nuts and refreshers.
Over the years I have failed in my pursuit of spooky sexy times repeatedly and so this year I have generously decided to enlighten women everywhere so that others might learn from my mistakes of Halloweens past.
Here’s my halloween blunders that meant I definitely didn’t get the shift that night.
Face Paint
My face said it all really. I was supposed to be a cute fluffy sheep. Sadly, the end result was more like a coal miner. And not even a ruggedly attractive one.
Don’t Over-think It
007 Themed Party 2005… This outfit was the ultimate auto-cock block. Every one else at this party wore tuxes and their old debs dresses and looked like total rides, while I looked bonkers having completely over-thought the costume and gone as a dry martini (the balloons were olives dontcha know). The ‘ingenious’ perspex ‘martini glass’ I had constructed effectively acted as an actual physical barrier between me and the other attendees. I did NOT get the shift.
Fly Solo
Never agree to ‘go together’ as ANYTHING with your hotter friend: even Smurfs. As I recall, she got the shift, and I got blue body paint all over the living room furniture and lost the deposit on the rent.
Avoid Unfavourable Comparisons
Dog Attempt Part 1 2009: Fact is that I was frequently called a ‘dog’ by the boys in school for most of my adolescence, why would I choose to return to this painful time by dressing up as one? And one wearing an unflattering velour tracksuit, while sitting in a children’s buggy by the looks of it and cradling what appears to be a small doll. Halloween Shift Score? Shockingly still zero.
Over-reliance on Duct Tape
Barbarella… apparently (circa 2010): Duct tape and your flatmate’s tighty whities do not a Halloween costume make, as I found out here in my extremely low-fi nod to the 60s space vixen, Barbarella.
Try to Look Less INSANE
The Big Bang, 2009: Yes, this was my interpretation of the birth of the universe, it’s ethereally beautiful, isn’t it? Perhaps I should’ve toned it down a bit, then again from the looks of things, everything about me needed a bit of toning down.
Dog Attempt Part 2 (2011)
WHY? Why did I do it again? This one’s even worse somehow. I think it’s the rabid expression. It’s almost too life-like, I’ve even got the tongue wagging, like I’m going to lick someone random’s face. Shift score: still zero.
Know Your Limitations
Retro skier, 2012: NEVER draw undue attention to you WORST attribute.
Don’t Take It Too Far
Or you WILL DIE ALONE: Nobody wants the shift with THIS terrifying person. As I found out. Halloween Score: 0 – Sad face.
Pair Off with the Most Awkward Person You Can Find (who’ll have you)
Wear terrible Halloween costumes together… FOREVER….
Halloween Shift Score: 1! BOOM.
