EVERYONE STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING AND LOOK AT ME!
Work is a fantastic place to share your every fleeting thought with those nearby. People are forced to sit beside you and politely entertain your bullshit for up to 9 hours a day – it’s fantastic!
Sometimes, it feels as though the entire office isn’t paying you enough attention. Boo! So, I’ve come up with 5 foolproof ways that you can guarantee your place as the centre of attention every day at work. You’re welcome.
1. Be obnoxiously loud all the time
The key to always being the centre of attention is to make sure you are the loudest person in any room by at least 3db. If you work in an open plan office, even better. You’re going to want to get your voice to echo off every partition so everyone can hear you. Make sure you develop a very distinct laugh, possibly a cackle, and audibly shriek when colleagues tell you things such as the printer is broken or Steve from accounts is performing an exorcism at the weekend.
2. Tell your entire life story to anyone that will listen
Everyone needs to know who you are for you to truly be the centre of attention at all times. From Jenny in HR to the man that does the hoovering, you need to know them all on a first-name basis. Once you’ve learned who everyone is, start telling them deep and personal things about yourself. A problem shared is a problem halved, and a problem quartered is even better. Make things up if you have to. You don’t want to seem boring, so be sure to tell a lot of lies.
3. Wear ridiculous clothing
Nobody ever talks about the person that wears navy, that’s for sure. If your office has a dress code, it’s vital that you ignore it entirely. Seems like everyone’s wearing smart clothes, that means you need to go extra quirky. Buy a power suit for your first day while you’re at it. They say you should dress for the job you want, so you need to dress like an attention-seeking lunatic. Maybe wear a sombrero every Friday as a conversation starter. Or carry a furry briefcase. “Look, it’s that girl with the briefcase”, they’ll say.
4. Story top everyone
At times it’ll feel like you’re not truly the centre of attention. Mary from upstairs announces that she’s pregnant and suddenly there’s a cake and a card being passed around. Not on your watch. You need to one-up her story. Announce that you’re having twins and worry about the logistics at a later date. Michael ran a marathon at the weekend? That’s nothing compared to you saving an entire family from a dodgy looking bumper car. You’re not a hero though, anyone else would’ve done the same.
5. Be extremely emotional
Nothing draws immediate attention to a person quite like having a big massive cry. Don’t waste time trying to keep the sniffles to yourself, let out a big bellowing yelp to gather crowds quickly. It’s a good idea to go to the office loudmouth first and begin your tears with her. She’ll tell everyone and before you know it, there’ll be a dozen concerned folk nearby tending to your every need. You can get a few days mileage out of the spectacle, announcing “Yeah, bit better today” each morning you arrive into work.
