Mams are the Encarta of the modern day. They know an awful lot but are secretly aware that you know more.
Sometimes they’ll ring with a query they already know the answer to, just to prove their worth. Other times they are genuinely confused and need your help, if you wouldn’t mind “cutting out the messing”.
Death Notices – You haven’t been home in a while, so half the parish could’ve passed away and you wouldn’t have a notion. Generally it’s not a high priority to know that Jimmy down the road’s cat groomers’ cousin’s First Holy Communion priest’s dietician has succumbed to death by old age, but sometimes it’s nice to hear the local news and feel like you’re still connected with your hometown.
Washing Clothes – We’re not animals, we know you can’t wash a dark item of clothing with a light item of clothing. However, how far can we push a Colour Catcher to catch colour? Mam knows. She might’ve overheard you’ve been using Colour Catchers and see it as a sign of weakness, but if it lightens the load (literally), what harm? Just give us the information without judgement please, Ma.
Dinner Advice – There’s nothing more terrifying than defrosting chicken. A large portion of our childhoods were surrounded with fears of salmonella and blurred faces with distorted voices in food safety ads, confessing their crimes of food poisoning. Mams are built with an internal ability to detect whether chicken has been defrosted sufficiently, should you choose to go down that path.
Dad – Dad wouldn’t be the best man for keeping track of his phone. You can send him all the messages in the world but he refuses to adapt to this new technology that’s only been around for about twenty years. Mam will let you know how he is, what he’s been doing around the house (nothing, as usual), how the garden is looking and whether he’ll be watching the match at the weekend.
Telly – You’ve only gone and drank the head off yourself at the weekend, meaning you’ve missed just about everything that’s happened on telly. Mam doesn’t understand. She needs to talk about who’s gone from X Factor, more importantly whether they deserved to go. Also, what was the woman on the weather thinking with those lacey tops?
Technology – What’s a kindle? How does this new touchscreen phone work? If I photocopy my actual phone, is that how a screengrab works? Mams aren’t the best at technology. When you call over, chances are you’ll be spending most of the day fixing the computer or installing 75 updates on her iPhone. Best to do this in person because it simply cannot be explained over the phone.
Unnecessary News – It’s not unusual for your Mam to ring with no motive whatsoever. She’ll start things off very vague, then launch into mundane stories about haircuts, the neighbours converting their garage, what they’re having for the dinner and how early it’s getting dark these days. God be good to them!
Alright, lookit, I’ll leave you go so. Bye bye. Bye, bye. Bye.
