Period Day One is like the mother of all disaster movies.
Like most disaster movies it follows a set kind of formula; a normal day dawns and you innocently go about your daily business unaware (see point one) that a shitstorm of epic proportions is about to start raining fire and brimstone and hormones and leakages down on you with a series of increasingly calamitous events.
Stage 1 – The Day After Tomorrow
Despite the apps and google calendar the Period somehow always takes us by surprise. “I could’ve sworn it was the day after tomorrow???”How fitting for our stage 1 disaster movie selection, the Day After Tomorrow. Jake Gyllenhal and a bunch of other people flee to higher ground to escape the menstrual tidal wave that threatens the human race, only Dennis Quaid (aka hot water bottles, fleece pyjamas and Cadbury’s) can save us now, natch.
Stage 2 – Sharknado
I don’t know if there is any other phenomenon that sums up quite so perfectly the hell of period day one like a shark-infested tornado. I view the tornado as a metaphor for the vortex of emotions (“I hate everyone, why must they exist?”) while the sharks obvi are just the excruciating, stabbing pain of your average menstrual cramp. Fun times.
Stage 3 – Dante’s Peak
That moment when you realise, there is no escape. You try to flee in vain. Best take refuge with Pierce Brosnan, Coco Pops and wait for the inevitable river of lava. This is not gonna be easy.
Stage 4 – Volcano
It’s not pretty, stage 4, it’s that river of blood time when you’re nearly too weak to raise the chocolate to your mouth. Must. Struggle. On. Keep. Shoving. Chocolate. In.
Stage 5 – Armageddon
In this analogy I’m basically arguing that Bruce Willis is a tampon… bear with me here. I mean c’mon he looks tampon-esque and he’s marching in with a “I’m gonna kick this motherfucker of a period’s ass”. Hang on wait, he dies in the end doesn’t he? Oh God, he doesn’t make it back. Oh we are f*cked aren’t we…?”
Stage 6 – Deep Impact
When you know that shit’s getting real and there is no escape from your period.
Stage 7 – Twister
This is that confusing stage of every period when hormones and over doing it on the Feminax conspire to make you weirdly attracted to Bill Paxton.
Stage 8 – Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!
Remembering that there’re four more days of this hell period…
