“So I haven’t been with anyone in nearly 18 months. I haven’t kissed anyone or been on any dates.
“I’m on dating apps but don’t bother making contact with people I match with. I don’t know why I’m not bothering, I’d love to have another half I can bring to the zoo or gigs but I keep thinking I’ll have nothing to offer them, that I’m not interesting enough or I won’t be able to perform in the bedroom.
“I’m at a very low ebb confidence wise and I’ve put on loads of weight recently. I’m trying my best to get rid of it but I feel awful. I’ve never tried to keep a relationship and I feel really inexperienced and afraid I’ll let someone down.
“How do I get out of my rut? I want a connection and someone to be with but I don’t want to try.”
Right, this is going to sound like a total, absolute, and honestly painful cliché, but hear me out – you’re not going to be able to be happy with someone else until you’re happy with yourself.
We’ve all been in places, debilitating or not, where we feel like nobody wants us. And yet, the only plausible solution seems to be to meet someone who will make us feel wanted.
The unfortunate reality of this scenario though is that other people can’t fix us. They can definitely help and they can definitely make things a bit easier, but they can’t outright eliminate those feelings of inadequacy – we need to be able to tackle those ourselves.
Just telling yourself that you are good enough, and that you do have a lot to offer is easier said than done, but there are a few bits you can do that are more practical.
On a day that you’re feeling particularly shit, jot down a list of the things that you like about yourself and the things that other people like about you too.
It could be something as innocuous as “I’m fun to hang out with at gigs”, “My hair looks good in the morning”, or “I make a class cheese toastie” – all positive attributes, all things that a potential partner would definitely be interested in.
Recognising that you need to be doing things for yourself is paramount too. Wanting to be in a relationship is normal, but feeling like you need to be in one and that you’re the reason you’re not, isn’t.
More often than not, when we’re desperately trying to meet someone we mould ourselves into this version of what we think a potential partner wants in us… and more often than not, we’re absolutely wrong.
Being yourself is hard when you feel like you don’t have the confidence to do much, but a lot of the time you’ll find that confidence builds slowly over time when you’re doing the things that you want to do for you – not anyone else.
Whether that means going to to the gym to lose some weight, adjusting your diet to feel healthier, or just accepting your body as your own. All are viable options here and all have the potential to give you that bit more confidence – you just need to figure out if you want a change or if you want to accept yourself as you are.
Not trying points to a lack of confidence, but it also points to a fear of being rejected and of assuming that you’re not good enough so why would you bother anyway?
And when it’s bad enough it becomes an endless cycle that seems almost impossible to get out of. It isn’t, but it definitely feels that way.
You do, however, need to start slow. Waking up one day and deciding that you’re going to chat to a load of people on Tinder, ask all of them out, and go on a string of dates isn’t really feasible if you’re not used to doing those sort of things.
A dating app might not even be your best bet. Tinder, Bumble, and all the rest are great in terms of accessibility, but the sheer amount of people to choose from often means that our opinions of potential matches tend to be far more superficial than if we’d been introduced to somebody in real life.
Dating apps are transient. Over the course of an hour, you could swipe by 200 people, match with 20, and decide that you’re just not bothered. These aren’t real potential partners, they’re just photos on an app. And it’s way easier to decide you’re not bothered when you’re dealing with someone online as opposed to someone in real life.
That’s not to say that meeting somebody organically is going to be easier – it isn’t. It’s hard, but eliminating some of the pressure you’re feeling to find someone might make it that little bit easier.
There’s a website called meetup.com where you can organise local meet ups with people who have similar interests, join already existing meet ups, or just do something you always wanted to do with some other people who also want to do it too.
The great thing about a site like this is that there’s no pressure to meet someone in a romantic way – but that doesn’t mean it won’t happen.
You’ll be able to focus on doing things for yourself while bringing some new people into your life.
It won’t entirely eliminate those feelings of inadequacy and your lack of confidence right away, but hopefully it’ll be a decent step forward to you meeting someone who you want to be with, and who you actually want to make the effort for.
Worried about going on a first date with someone new? Got some lad onto you who won’t take the hint? Are you being ghosted, breadcrumbed, or some other new form of dating trend? Just need somewhere to vent about everything that’s wrong with your love life? Same, to be honest.
Don’t worry though because at Her we’ve been there, we are still there, and we can maybe even give you some decent advice. At the end of the day, #ShiftHappens to all of us.
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