“I met a guy recently and had a few really great dates.
“He was so lovely and ticked tonnes of boxes. After a few dates, we slept together and since then I basically haven’t heard from him.
“Two weeks of minimal contact have passed so I texted him saying that I’m done. He denied ghosting me but it happened.
“I know I did the right thing as I don’t want to be a backup, but I also know that he was a really good guy. I’m wondering if I leave this alone for a few months and let his excuses get resolved, could there be an opportunity for something in the future? And how would I go about it?
“We met on an app so have no mutual contacts and it’s unlikely our paths would cross naturally.”
At the end of the day, if someone isn’t responding to your messages, it’s because they don’t want to talk.
Every single person on this earth is guilty of making up excuses for other people, telling themselves to hold out for something more, and living with the blind hope that even though it doesn’t seem to be happening right now, it might happen in the future.
And yeah sure, it might – but it also might not and you need to be prepared for both outcomes.
To be honest, the ghosting in general is a red flag. It doesn’t have to mean that this guy is a complete asshole who sleeps with people and then drops them, but it could mean that he’s got some other shit going on at the moment, that he’s a bit flakey, or that he’s just not in a place to be casually dating.
And while all of the above are totally acceptable reasons to not text someone back, they’re also not things that you need to be worrying about.
Halting things in their tracks and potentially taking them up again in a few months or a few years is absolutely fine… as long as you’re not holding out for something in the interim.
But settling for a well it didn’t happen this time but maybe it’ll happen another time often leads to getting unknowingly stuck.
You tell yourself you’re looking for something new but every time your phone lights up you’re hoping it’s them. You say you don’t have any interest in starting things up again but you’re still sitting around waiting for them to view your IG Story so they’ll know you’re clearly having an unreal time without them in your life.
It can also lead to settling for the bare minimum in terms of what you’re getting out of the relationship which, oftentimes, is absolutely nothing – and nobody wants absolutely nothing.
If you can (for real) put the brakes on this and move on, then do. If something’s going to happen organically in the future, it will.
If you’re still floating the idea in a few months time, send him a message or reply to his story to test the waters.
Don’t be subtle though. Anyone can reply to a message and have it not mean anything – if you’re going to put more of your time into this, you’re going to want to be sure that this guy is actually into something happening.
Just ask to meet up. It’ll be fucking terrifying but at least then you’ll know what the story is and whether he’s worth any more effort.
Even a whisper of flaky not-replying on his part though and drop it immediately. Not worth the hassle.
And continue to call lads out for ghosting.
Always.
Worried about going on a first date with someone new? Got some lad onto you who won’t take the hint? Are you being ghosted, breadcrumbed, or some other new form of dating trend? Just need somewhere to vent about everything that’s wrong with your love life? Same, to be honest.
Don’t worry though because at Her we’ve been there, we are still there, and we can maybe even give you some decent advice. At the end of the day, #ShiftHappens to all of us.
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