Nobody, in the history of the world, has ever bought a packet of sucky sweets. They just materialise out of thin air at random intervals in our lives.
They’re an integral part to any authentic Irish person’s life. Has a car journey on this emerald isle ever successfully taken place without the presence of a tin of assorted powdery fruit rolling around the back seat?
Similarly, has an Irish family holiday ever gone off without a hitch sans the presence of a packet of sucky sweets in Mam’s handbag for take off and landing to prevent ear popping?
Here’s what your favourite sucky sweet says about you.
Fox’s Glacier Mints
Keep It Sweet
Thank you for taking the time out of your jam-packed fancy schedule to read this, your majesty. Life is a constant source of being lavish and better than everyone else. Fox’s Glacier Mints are casually sucked between glasses of champagne and spoonfuls of caviar at your holiday home in the south of France. The maid sometimes forgets to pick up the wrappers, so you gently give her a stern talking to as she dusts your husband’s numerous awards for outstanding contributions to the field of pretentious studies.
Sour Apples
Keep It Sweet
Call up the writers of the Irish story ‘Gealt’ because they have stolen the essence of your personality and put it on the Leaving Cert curriculum. You’re a lunatic through and through, with very little in the world able to control your haphazard urges. People often envy your carefree nature, but it’s not without its repercussions. For example, your teeth have quite literally rotted into your head and you are currently left with a smile resembling Shane MacGowan’s at the height of his dentistry boycotting antics in the 90s.
Murray Mints
Keep It Sweet
You’re a laid-back Lucy and generally very optimistic about life. Friends consider you to be a reliable source of consultation with any matters that may arise such as what to wear to a wedding, how many Splendas equates to a teaspoon of real sugar and why Samantha Mumba was overlooked for an Oscar for her stunning performance in Boy Eats Girl. The harshness of everyday life rarely gets you down, you’re quite health-conscious and generally very upbeat and sound. Good on ya, champ!
Werther’s Originals
Keep It Sweet
You’re currently reading this on a phone with the text magnified because your eyes aren’t quite what they used to be. Recently, a trip to the local graveyard to pick out a nice plot of land for your impending “lengthy visit” took place. You’ve got 37 grandchildren and plan to leave them very little in your will. Mass once a week is mandatory, along with a daily dose of roughly twelve litres of tea. Life has quietened down since your wild days of strippers and narcotics, all it takes is a sucky sweet to keep your decomposing mind at bay these days.
Strawberry Creams
Etsy
Is bae sick? Because you’re basic. Babe, please, I am begging you, just go wild every now and then. Life’s simpler things are tragically what truly appeal to you. A warm towel waiting for you after a cheeky midweek bath, letting your hair down with two cheeky white wine spritzers at the weekend, staying up past midnight to watch another cheeky episode of Gossip Girl, and having a sly little sucky sweet for yourself at work without offering anyone else. Your indulgences are far from criminal, as is your fondness for adventure.
Orange Chocolates
Hollands Best
All isn’t what it seems with yourself and your favourite sucky sweet, that’s for sure. People often overlook your seemingly average exterior, but what lies beneath is a darkness that only comes to light when you are pushed to your limits both structurally and metaphorically. You really like to let loose at the weekend and indulge in several illegal activities. A self-confessed minx such as yourself is well able to handle herself with the long firm arm of the law, as you’ve successfully carried out over three bank heists so far this year.
