Haircuts, am I right?
They induce a large amount of anxiety in most of us, but unfortunately, like the letters I, F and E, they’re an essential part of life.
Here’s 5 highly emotional stages you’ll find yourself going through when it’s time for a trim.
STAGE 1: Booking
Is there anything more stressful than making a phone call? What kind of psychopath still makes phone calls these days? The first hairdressers to allow you to book an appointment via WhatsApp shall rightfully inherit the earth.
Until then, like animals, we have to track down the phone number via their Facebook page or the likes, call them (during opening hours) and then try to decipher what the person on the end of the line is saying as they shout over rampant hairdryers and tales of holiday plans. Trying to align your schedule with a busy hairdresser’s is an absolute ordeal and you end up booking yourself in for 7.30am on a Saturday morning. Ideal.
STAGE 2: Waiting
You’ve booked that appointment so far in advance that you get to think about it for a solid year and a half before it actually happens, well done pet. The day finally rolls around and you arrive fifteen minutes early (like it’s an interview and they’re watching you on CCTV cameras to see how punctual and friendly to staff you actually are). Classic you!
You confidently walk into the hairdressers and, having rehearsed it in your head the entire journey there, tell them your name and inform them that you have an appointment. They’ll flick through the notebook for a few seconds, at which point you freak out and accept that you’ve probably gotten the wrong date. Oh, they’ve found your name, thank God. Hand over your coat and worldly possessions, then take a seat in the waiting area and stock up on magazines. Twenty painful minutes later, you’re summoned to the sinks.
STAGE 3: Patience
As Take That told us, you’ve got to have a little patience. A trip to the hairdressers is essentially just an exercise in finding out how much patience you possess. There’s a lot of sitting and waiting that feels like it could continue until the end of time.
You try to distract yourself with magazines but get self-conscious that the hairdresser is judging you based on which articles you choose to read. Having a quick flick through the sex tips page? You’re scum. Then you switch to mobile and again feel the hairdressser’s judgement at your attention-seeking Tweets burning a hole through the screen. Not to worry, look at yourself in the mirror for a solid hour, finding every blemish and getting angry that nobody ever told you how asymmetrical and stupid your face is.
STAGE 4: Acting
Similar to a journey in a taxi, going to the hairdressers is a chance to reinvent yourself. You can be anything you want to be. Tell them you’re a dog chiropodist with a magician boyfriend who regularly parties with the likes of Liberty X – they’re not going to know!
If you’re extremely bad at chit-chat, hairdressers will sometimes fail to realise this and just chip away at your awkward little personality until you can find common ground. You have to pretend you’re super confident and for some reason won’t admit you’ve no plans for the evening. Tell them you’re heading out for a few drinks and then lie your way right the way through to next week’s lunch plans. The acting process culminates in pretending to be happy with your trim after you’ve been positively butchered.
STAGE 5: Maintenance
The hairdresser will show you how to achieve your most recent stunning look at home. Still carrying on your acting abilities fron stage 4, you’ll reassure the hairdresser that it seems easy to replicate and you will have no issue in achieving the curly blowdry look yourself going forward. Divil.
Within an hour of leaving the hairdressers, your hair looks appaling again. Typical. Get home and frantically watch YouTube tutorials on how to nail that jaunty flick at the end. Good thing you bought €60 worth of hair products to aid this disaster. “It’ll save money in the long run”, you said to the hairdresser. More the fool you. Book an appointment in roughly six weeks and repeat the entire process again.
