Lads, it’s safe to assume that a large portion of the country is hanging today.
Rightfully so, we went and drank the heads of ourselves yesterday and now we’re paying the price. As the old saying goes, what goes around, spoils the broth.
Hangovers are tough, emotional and challenging at the best of times. All we can do is our best to get through it and live to drink another day.
Here’s 5 types of hangovers we’ve all had to endure, unless you’re some kind of freak that doesn’t get hangovers, in which case you are scum.
1. The Vomiting Hangover
No prizes for guessing what this entails: VOMIT! This particular hangover can start as early as your last drink the night before. There must’ve been something wrong with the vodka, it was probably that cheap supermarket brand. You’re well able for your drink, your body hasn’t failed you, not a chance. Either way, a steady flow of vomit will exit your person intermittently over the course of twelve hours. The only positives from this experience are that your abs will feel tighter than ever before and the constant vomiting will take your mind off the holy disgrace that you made of yourself leaving the club last night. Hurrah!
2. The Productive Hangover
For some reason, you wake up at an obscenely early time (we’re talking before 9am) and decide that the house is an unholy pigsty. Everyone will feel the wrath of your frustrations. Who left a dirty spoon in the sink? Why weren’t the bins brought out? Was 9/11 an inside job? Nobody has any answers and you get even more furious. Angry cleaning is the best kind of cleaning. That oven will be scrubbed to within an inch of its life, oh happy days, you go girl, wash those sins away!
3. The Piggery Hangover
This particular brand of hangover doesn’t always make itself apparent from the onset. Much like a chameleon, it can take a number of unrecognisable forms. Sometimes you will require the entirety of the deli from the corner shop from the moment you open your eyes, then continue to graze on pure beige garbage (garbeige?) until it’s time to sleep and you, inconveniently, can consume nothing more. Other times, you mightn’t be able for a crumb until the evening, at which point you will order an obscene amount of pizza. Go hard or go home, you’ll even ham things up when the delivery person arrives, by shouting “pizza’s here” as you close the door. There’s nobody else home, it’s just yourself and your deeply shameful ways.
4. The Introspective Hangover
You’re twelve years older and wiser when you finally make it out the other side of this hangover. Everything in your life needs to be mentally analysed and there may even be pie charts drafted in. Why didn’t you get an A in the Junior Cert CSPE exam? Your European flag was more than sufficiently coloured in, the invigilator must’ve had it in for you. What are you doing with your life? Is your job really what you want to be doing at this point in your life? Will you ever be able to move out of your parents’ house? Seriously, was 9/11 an inside job?
5. The Late Arrival Hangover
This is universally considered as the cruellest of hangovers. You wake up feeling like you could tackle Croagh Patrick barefoot whilst reading Ulysses. Nothing can drag you down. Pro tip: Never make plans when you’re in a good mood. Around lunchtime, things take a sharp and dark turn. Too late, you’ve already organised brunch with the girls from school and can’t back out now. Please God there’ll be communal Prosecco ordered and you won’t look like an alcoholic. Oh great, someone’s suggested going to a vegan café. Ring ahead and ask them to order you a headstone because this day will be the death of you. RIP.
