As the song goes, it’s the most insufferable time of the year.
People are hoofing into each other in the shops, speeding around trying to get the last Clarisonic and the likes before they go out of stock.
Your only defence is your dark and shameful thoughts. “Hope you choke on that bottle of prosecco”, you think as a lady shoves past you on her way to the till. You don’t mean it, you’re just fed up.
Here’s 21 angry thoughts you’re likely to have while you’re Christmas shopping.
1. I hope that whoever invented Christmas died a slow and painful death. Hang on, he actually did lol *blesses self twice*
2. People are fucking disgusting. We are all animalistic consumers that need to be locked up immediately.
3. Not one single fridge in Selfridges. Should change their name immediately, tbh.
4. Next year I’m purposely falling out with friends and family before Christmas so I don’t have to buy them anything.
5. Couples that audibly kiss each other in public deserve to be lined up and shot.
6. Fair enough it’s the busiest time of year for the staff but would it kill them to play along and give me a student discount on my blatantly expired card?
7. How many years is it for murder? Because if one more person bashes into me with their bags, I can’t be held responsible for my actions.
8. My sister is the most irritating lump in the world, expecting me to traipse around the shops looking for these stupid makeup brushes. Ignorant betch.
9. Ideal that every gobshite has decided to come into town the same day as myself. Definitely think they should move a bit slower and continue to take up half the footpath sauntering around. Ideal.
10. Three hours I’ve been in this shopping centre and what have I gotten? Anxiety. And a hot chocolate.
11. Sake, why have they the heating on so high in the shops when we’ve all got our big winter coats on coming in from the cold? Arseholes.
12. No, fuck it, I’m going to get a few bits for myself. I don’t see why I should spend my hard earned money on these ungrateful lumps.
13. I wish Santa was real, this is bullshit.
14. I don’t give a shit about the environment, they should’ve kept plastic bags in the shops because my 35 papers bags won’t withstand this rain. Melt the ice caps for all I care!
15. Good thing Mam suggested I buy Dad the heaviest book in the world. Always wanted to find out what a dislocated shoulder feels like.
16. I’m breaking up with Tommy next November, then we’ll get back together in January. I think deep down, he’ll understand why.
17. How in the name of shite am I going to wrap all of this? These ungrateful rips won’t even appreciate it.
18. Tis the season to take people’s eyes out with your umbrella, apparently.
19. Seems like a lot of these wenches only brought their buggies to de-ankle the masses. Very sound of them.
20. What’s the criteria for a mobility scooter? I’m willing to do what I have to.
21. I would rather cut off my own tit than ever put myself through this ordeal again.
