Handbags, am I right?
They can very easily tread a very fine between being practical and stylish, as opposed to comfortable and hideous. Nobody is an exception to the rule that you must have at least one repulsive handbag stuffed in the back of the wardrobe in the hopes that a burglar will stumble across it and end up donating money for you to sort your life out.
You can learn a lot about a person from their choice of a handbag (if you have an overactive imagination and a lot of time on your hands).
Here’s what your handbag says about you.
Tote Bag
Firstly, we need to address why there’s TWO types of tote bags. There’s the hideous fabric one that your Mam uses to carry the shopping and then there’s the big fancy expensive one that brought great fame to Michael Kors and other basic heavyweight idols. For the purpose of this piece, I will hone in on the Michael Kors variety.
You are a basic bitch and you love it. You whizz around in your Volkswagen Golf with a skinny latte in hand and that bag securely hidden behind the driver’s seat to deter opportunist thieves. You enjoy the simpler things in life, such as cheeky nights out with the girls and forcing himself to carry your worldly belongings at all times. Your handbag is stuffed with perfume, an entire Sephora of makeup, seven varieties of chewing gum and also the entire contents of your bathroom cabinet. Your favourite film is The Notebook and you cried at Adele’s concert.
Clutch Bag
I, along with many others, am shocked to my core that a clutch is anything other than a vital component of any car. In theory, a clutch bag is a wonderful addition to any occasion. It’s small, cute and holds just enough to prevent you from lugging every one of your worldly possessions to the club.
If you have a fondness for a clutch, you are a high maintenance Mary. You enjoy the finer things in life and by Christ does everyone know about it. Your nails are rarely seen without a shellac and your clothes are rarely graced without the presence of a very expensive label. No weekend is complete without a cheeky brunch after an intense session with your personal trainer. Bottomless Prosecco? Yes please, keep it coming. You have an Audrey Hepburn poster hanging in the living room and you’ve never had a spicebag.
Crossbody Bag
Not to be confused with a body bag, a crossbody bag is very functional and practical for a girl on the move. It’s probably the most common and affordable bag on the market at the moment and is sported by high profile celebrities such as Kelly Clarkson and the girl from the Vodafone ad.
You’re a savvy girl living in an extremely dangerous world. People are out there with the sole intention to rob your handbag and you’re fully aware of it. People laughed when you attached a padlock to your handbag, but who’s laughing now? (Still them). You’re always looking for an adventure, even if it more often than not ends up knee-deep in the accessories of Penneys. Fashion is important to you and you love going to festivals looking the absolute business in your homemade flower crown. You receive a text from your mother at least once a week saying “mind your bag”.
Shoulder Bag
Get back to the mid 90s you absolute lunatic! You are living in the past and people all over the world are desperately trying to invent time travel so they can stop these hideous contraptions from ever being discovered. It’s not uncommon for people to have to take a week sick off work after seeing a shoulder bag in operation. Shoulder bags have been known to introduce PTSD and we can truly, as a nation, never forgive them for that.
You’re a very brave yet groovy chick to be sporting a shoulder bag in this day and age. You regularly rock around town in your platform runners with your hair dyed several shades of purple. You wistfully walk up Dame Street, occupying it with your desire to end climate change. If you haven’t bumped into enough people to compliment your outfit in town, you’ll do an extra lap around Temple Bar to make sure everyone has seen it. Divil. Lizzie McGuire is your fashion idol and you still have a Backstreet Boys keyring.
Backpack
Wearing a backpack is a surefire way to hold onto your misspent youth. For some, a backpack is merely a practical means of transporting goods larger than the average handbag can carry. For others, it is a life choice. Why put the strain on one shoulder when you can evenly distribute it between them both? These are the important questions that we need to be asking ourselves, ladies.
If your go-to bag is the backpack, you very clearly laugh in the face of fashion. Nothing ever phases you because you are truly a #woke individual. You wouldn’t hesitate to wear Converse to a nightclub, sure who’s going to be looking at you? You’re a cool dude with impeccable posture due to the even weight distribution and your shoulders thank you for it. You’re very laid-back and make a decent guacamole.
