Virgin Mary’s Diary Entry – Day 267 Of Pregnancy

Dear Diary,

I'm a nervous wreck. The baby is due TOMORROW. This is no ordinary baby, it's the Son of God for Christ sake, no pressure so! Joseph has proposed a last minute trip to Bethlehem ON CHRISTMAS EVE. Is he mad? We're bringing the paddling pool just in case I go early, so I can follow out my birthing plan. The dog's here as well. AS IF we'd get a dog minder at such short notice. That's the problem with Joe, he never thinks things through! I have to say I'm not particularly arsed with going to Bethlehem, I mean it's no Dundrum. What kind of last minute Christmas shopping can we possibly do there? Joseph's so tight as well. I warned him to book us an Airbnb but he said it'd cost too much! Sake. I'm writing this from the back of a camel now. We're chugging along, I'm just so uncomfortably pregnant. Joe's iPhone stopped working so we've to follow some star that will apparently get us there. Unless that star is Adele, I'm not buying it! Told Joe to bring a packet of sweets for the journey, but no, we had to use all the space for his new robe. Joseph of Snazareth is right! He's such a diva. You'd know well the baby isn't his. Not a peep out of the baby the last few days, I'd say he's just taking in his last bit of comfort before he gets to work on the world. Not sure if the baby will actually come tomorrow. I feel immaculate. There's no sign of labour, I'm just alarmingly fat. The poor camel, he's heaving with the weight of me! I wonder what giving birth is like. If it's anything like the conception, I won't even notice. Fingers crossed! God keeps sending me the funniest texts but when I even try to flirt he's like "ugh g2g". I just can't read him. For the most powerful being in the universe, he's a fairly closed book. Anyway, I'm exhausted. Gonna try get to sleep on this stupid humpy camel. Talk tomorrow, eep! Mary x    

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Mary's Diary - Day 259 of Pregnancy: Christ, I'm the size of a house. Mary's Diary - Day 260 of Pregnancy: Gossip Of Nazareth. Mary's Diary - Day 264 of Pregnancy: I am livid.