Gigs, am I right?
People often say that Ireland would be a great country if we could roof it. Well, I believe that gigs would be a great outing if we could eliminate people from the equation. People are the absolute worst in every situation, but for some reason, at gigs, they are exceptionally irritating.
Here’s 6 people that you have absolutely encountered at a gig.
The Space Invader
This lump is going to stand on your feet for the entirety of the gig and there’s nothing you can do about it. You’ll move slightly to the left and with the force of a thousand magnets, they’ll mooch over right beside you again. As the gig progresses, he/she will attempt to bob up and down in a strange little appreciative dance, obviously baiting into you with each movement. Ideal. The worst part is that the space invader rarely realises that they are being annoying. They’re just feeling the music, man.
The Backing Singer
The unofficial 5th member of the band has been to every gig they’ve ever played. They own all their albums, on vinyl of course and they most certainly buy the t-shirt every time they see them. Inevitably, the lyrics truly speak to them on a level that you and I cannot possibly fathom. Just as well they sing literally every note very loudly into your ear so you can’t enjoy yourself. Sound.
The Uncontrollable Hand
I have a deep hatred for the stray hands that appear in the air at random intervals during a gig. Why are you doing that? What are you achieving? Do you think the band will notice you? Have you got Alien Hand Syndrome? (If you answered positively to the latter, my deepest sympathies). When you’re a puny 5′ 6″, a stray hand can be the difference between Julian Casablancas noticing you and going home to drown your sorrows with The Gilmore Girls. Be considerate with your hands, folks.
The Know-It-All
This insufferable creature has digested the band’s Wikipedia page in the weeks leading up to the gig. What a treat to share your unnecessarily in-depth knowledge of the drummer’s technique with anyone within earshot of you. Oh, what’s that? The lead singer got his hair cut in the barber’s near your old primary school? Brilliant. The first track was actually written about the increasing prices of toothbrushes in Mumbai? Class.
The Videographer
It’s always a good strategy to experience life through a phone screen. Why be in the moment when you can take up a large chunk of your phone’s memory with a terrible quality video? Even better, hold your diamanté-encrusted Blackberry front and centre so nobody else can enjoy themselves because they are distracted by your shaky arms rising up like a nerdy primary school student every four minutes. JUST BE IN THE MOMENT, MAN.
The Flippant Drink Holder
They’ve gotten a round in just before the band starts, perfect timing. They’ll mooch past you with four plastic-cupped pints balanced in their feeble little hands, unintentionally pouring one out for the good times with each footstep. Once the music starts and they’ve freed up a precious spare hand, that drink will be swung around with gay abandon, drenching any unfortunate soul in the surrounding area. Didn’t realise I’d bought tickets to see Wet Wet Wet, buddy.
