The 6 emotional stages of going spinning with your mate
"GO GO GO,"
Screams the scary woman on the bike despite the cold, hard fact that you are, indeed, go-go-going as fast as you humanly can.
Spinning is very good for you. It's a team activity (technically), it's an incredible fat-burner, and it'll either leave you feeling like you conquered the world or as if you're about to keel over and die.
There is no in between.
And while spinning is ideally something you would do alone in a dark room where nobody can see you sweat intensely, sometimes it's nice to bring a friend along, to share in the experience, to live in the pain together.
Here's the six emotional stages of such a scenario.
You've just gotten on the bikes. You're both peddling at a regular enough paces.
The lights are still on, the music is yet to pump, no one is shouting and you feel OK.
This might be alright for once, like.
Who the fuck does the instructor think she is telling you to go faster? You! Faster?! Fucking rude is what it is.
Doesn't she know that you vaguely injured yourself during a game of hockey in 2009 and that it's actually hard for your legs to peddle past a certain speed?
Yeah, alright, you didn't mention this at the beginning of the class because you honestly didn't think it was worth bringing up, but whatever.
She should have known.
Here listen, there's no way anyone will know the two of you are not spinning properly if you just pretend to be spinning properly.
Slow down when people slow down. Speed up when it's asked of you. Breathe heavily at regular intervals as everybody else is breathing heavily.
Your resistance is all the way down, but nobody needs to know that. And they won't.
It's the two of you against the world, not adhering to the rules, and kind of ruining the experience for everybody else.
Shit, maybe this time will be different. Maybe you can actually turn up the resistance without pulling a muscle in your calve.
Maybe, just maybe, following the instructor's words will actually be possible and you won't be pretending to lean left when really you're too exhausted to do anything else but sit straight.
And then they scream that you're only at a 5 when you should be at an 8 and nah, that's it, you're done, over.
It's happening. You're doing it. The class is in full swing and no amount of fury or anxiety can change that now.
You look to your right and your friend has opted for the same sad resolve as yourself.
The fight has gone out of you both.
The bikes have you now.
Because you have died. Spinning killed you both.