Changing minds about mental health, one conversation at a time.
Ciara McCullough is a 23-year-old who suffers from depression. An Ambassador for SeeChange, the part-time photographer has been nominated for Local Hero of the Year in association with Mind and has spoken about her mental illness on TV3’s Midday.
Here, in her own words, Ciara talks about living with a mental illness, a controlling relationship and feeling suicidal. Warning, some people may find this post triggering.
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What am I feeling right now? In this moment in time I can safely say, I have never been happier. But I wasn’t always this happy, in fact, there was a time I thought I’d never be happy. There was a time I thought I didn’t deserve to be happy.
I guess for people who have never experienced depression, there are no words imaginable to describe exactly what it does to you, but for people who are and who have experienced it, no words are needed! There are no truer words out there.
I can’t quite pinpoint the exact moment where I could say “Yeah, it was then I became depressed” but for as long as I can remember I remember never feeling overly happy. I constantly felt like I was missing something, but could never realize why.
Quickly enough these feelings I couldn’t quite explain became more frequent. But I hid my moods very well behind a smile! How could I tell anyone what I was feeling, if I didn’t know myself. My way of coping was helping everyone else. Because if I focused on someone else’s problems, I could forget about my own.
In 2008, I found out some news that rattled every bone in my body. All my life I grew up without my dad, but I never knew why he wasn’t around how he died (this of course is no fault to my amazing mother, who was protecting me the best way she knew how).
The news was something I had prepared myself for years, but when I found out nothing could have ever prepared me for the fact that he had died by suicide.
Immediately this sense of never been good enough fell over me. I felt I wasn’t worth staying around for. This feeling was never far from my mind.
I was in a long term relationship, where no matter what I said or done it was never enough. It wore me down, mentally, physically and emotionally to a point where I didn’t know who I was.
I had lost all my friends because it was easier to stay at home and I avoided arguments it would potentially cause.
In 2010, I had my first suicide attempt. I remember there was a period we had been having of ups and downs where he wanted me, but didn’t want me – And no matter what I did, it was never enough to convince him.
I had no friends, I had pulled away from my family and I was completely alone. This big black dark cloud came over me and I remember seeing no other way out. I had no real intention of dying that night, I just wanted a break from the torture.
Unfortunately, once I out of hospital I still went back into this relationship. He had a control over me I couldn’t get out of. I was nothing without him. And he was the only one who could make me feel better. Until I met a friend who helped me leave him.
After my first suicide attempt I didn’t go to counseling, not for the want of lying about going. But that black cloud didn’t go away…
Going to bed became the scariest thing because if I did manage to sleep I hadn’t a clue how I’d wake up; happy or sad. I began finding it hard to focus at work, I became moody and irritable, unbearable for all around me. I took my sadness out on my family.
But I met a new friend with whom I started training with, going out with. It was great because I could pretend everything was ok. I was ok. I felt a bit normal until that black cloud kept appearing.
In 2013 these feelings became worse and worse. Waves and waves of unexplainable and uncontrollable despair were flooding through my whole body – My days and nights were a living nightmare! I tried make myself happy with material things. But I was getting into debt I couldn’t control.
I started a relationship in the summer and having not been honest about my feelings, little-by-little the cracks appeared. My personality changed. My friends and family, my work, my sporting life, it was all becoming effected by this dark cloud.
I wasn’t able to take a compliment. I couldn’t ever imagine why someone would love me, But with this short term relationship I clinged to it because for the first time I felt happiness, and hope – Something I hadn’t felt in a long long time. But when that ended, that hope was crushed.
This demon of a black cloud was always going to constantly win. It would always make me drive away anyone I ever loved or cared for. I wanted to grab it and crush it. But I couldn’t.
I used anyway I could to hold onto that glimmer of hope until one morning, I woke up thinking if I spoke out, I could save the relationship, but as I drove away having only made things worse, I realize the. Only way I would beat this demon, was to surrender to it!
I turned off my phone and drove to the nearest forestry. I vaguely remember a door opening and it was a friend of mine, soon after that an ambulance had arrived. I was put on a drip in hospital to flush all the drugs out of my system.
The pain I put all my family and friends through made and still make me feel ashamed beyond belief. I never thought about leaving them behind or the pain I’d put everyone through.
Solely for my mother, I saw a counsellor. I promised her I’d try this time, if not for me, then for my mother.
It was the best thing I could have done. I saw a whole new side to things, a new perspective!
Therapy was challenging. I read a quote right before I started.” a man is at his strongest when he is willing to be vulnerable” and it was true. To ever get better I had to bare my soul to her and tell her things I had never told anyone.
Writing this now months after therapy, I am now off my medication. It’s a slow road of progression that doesn’t happen over night.
My life has never been better – I can thankfully surround myself with positive people who help me and have helped me since day one, people who I’m forever grateful to. Surrounding yourself with the right people is a huge part of leading a happy life.
I’m happy in myself and strong for the first time in my whole life. I’m currently in a fantastic relationship and have started college again. And for the first time in my life I finally look towards the future!
So for anyone who is currently being followed by the black cloud, or supporting someone, I hope this story helps and give you hope.
You are too precious, too amazing and way too important to your family and friends to let that horrendous black cloud win.
Don’t be afraid to open up and talk, to seek help. It is the biggest act of strength and courage you can do. It’s scary, you become awakened to all the things that have caused you so much pain, you have to talk about things you have buried for so long.
But the sooner you can deal with all this, the sooner you can begin to love yourself, appreciate yourself; once this happens, everything in your life will fall into place:
“Life always gets better. I want people to realise that once they start to love themselves life will get better and amazing. These feelings your feeling won’t last and won’t control you unless you let it!”
So, take that small step and take control of your life, I promise you it’ll be the scariest but the most incredible step you will take.
