Whenever it comes time to buy a new pair of jeans I can't help but feel a teeny, tiny niggle of hope that these jeans will be The Ones.
The jeans to save my floundering sense of style and somehow shape my gelatinous body into something roughly resembling a human person. That these jeans will magically transform me into Angela Scanlon doing a particularly good take on the London Off Duty thing. That these jeans will somehow shave two inches off my hips and add two inches to my legs. Clearly I am investing a lot in the jeans purchase which is why I always feel so goddamned betrayed at the end of it.
Denim, you evil bastard, you are my Kryptonite.
Here're 10 Really Annoying Truths About Buying New Jeans:
You will be full of unwarranted optimism prior to actually going to any shops.
A new jeans purchase much like a new haircut fills us with hope, hope that is soon to be dashed when the 12s won't go past our thighs.
You will toy with a radical new jean style
This bold move will then crush your spirit later when you are alone in the changing rooms and discover that mum jeans do indeed make you look like your mother.
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Boot cuts only work for about 2% of the population. Fact.
You think you're gonna look like 90s Kate Moss. You do NOT look like 90s Kate Moss. Unless it is Kate Moss after a 90 day carb bender.
Every now and then you think, "I could wear white jeans."
No one, I repeat, no one can wear white jeans.
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"What about red jeans?"
Bah, see point 5.
Never buy jeans with fake pockets you'll just keep trying to slip your hand into it
The fake pocket does kind of beg the question: Why go to the bother of almost making a pocket? They've come this far why not just make the full pocket?
High waisted jeans are a bit like a modern day girdle
This is by no means a bad thing, HOWEVER if you bend over in high waisted jeans too soon after a meal, you may feel like you're self-heimliching.
Cramming yourself into the size you're "meant to be" does no one any favours, just get the size that fits
Buying tiny jeans that we're stuffed into is a mistake we all make at least once in our lives. Once you feel that frontal wedgie though, you realise that it is ridiculous to buy an item of clothing that actually ruins your enjoyment of any meal and is probably giving you camel toe.
You will sweat ALOT when jeans shopping
Consider it good cardio.
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The hands down worst moment of jeans shopping is trying to get the jeans off in the too-small changing room
It's the very definition of frustration. After some attempts to ease them off, everyone eventually loses patience and violently kicks them off, right?
