Romance is defined as a feeling of excitement or mystery associated with love.
If reading that is making you weep with regret because the last time you felt excitement in your relationship was when Four Star texted (why must they text? It makes us feel so low inside) to let you know that they were doing a couples deal on two 14″ pizzas, a choice of two sides, a 2 litre bottle of coke and one of those cookie things for twenty quid then you may officially have been coupled up for too long.
Here’s 10 surefire signs you’ve been together WAAAAAAY too long…
When foreplay is actually phone play
If you are lying together in bed every night stroking…. your phones.
Tight fright
If you are happy to lounge around the house wearing only your tights, this surely is peak togetherness. No one looks remotely good wearing just tights. Before, being caught in the tights by another human was actually our worst nightmare. Now we hardly notice, this is not a good thing.
Grooming gone too far
If anyone is squeezing spots either in the presence of the other person, or (dear god) squeezing the spots OF the other person.
If sex can be accomplished while waiting for the movie to load
Long term relationship sex is depressingly efficient. The most exciting sexual encounter you can hope for at this point might involve a poorly constructed Ikea bed breaking during the act – the ensuing fight was the most passionate encounter since the night we watched Boogie Nights and then had ‘let’s pretend we’re strangers’ sex.
Starting any sentence with “do you know what I used to like about you?”
So many of the things that initially attracted us to them becomes the trait that we loath most of all now that we are stuck to them twenty four seven: like their habit of lounging in the living room naked with their balls on the couch, their unrelenting love of golf and refusal to back down on ANYTHING.
Physical displays of affection
It’s weird, we definitely enjoyed them touching us at one point? Right? Strange how as the years pass their sexual techniques seem to dramatically regress. Now they have all the timing of a pubescent boy getting the shift around the back of the leisure centre. HINT: If we’ve been moaning about cramps while glued to the couch eating chocolate do NOT try to have sex with us. OR cuddle us with intent – you know that bear hug that subtly morphs into dry humping…
Toilet etiquette
If one or other member of a couple no longer feels the need to avail of the toilet brush, you may be beyond help. Similarly, if there are skid marked boxers languishing in the laundry basket in close proximity to our clothes, this is rock bottom (ahem). If they literally cannot be arsed wiping themselves thoroughly anymore, you have definitely been in the relationship too long.
Fighting is futile
You’ve been together too long when, in the event of a fight, instead of a strop and days of silent treatment leading up to an emotional reconciliation followed by sexy make-up sex that involves no less than THREE awesome position switches, you just go to bed early, watch Sabrina the Teenage Witch with your headphones in and rage-eat the shit out of a sandwich, 2 walnut whips and 3 glasses of wine. The epic drama of fighting just seems like too much effort once you’ve been together that long, unless a row is actually divorce-worthy, just skip it and hand me that sandwich.
Public displays of defecation
Do we need to elaborate on this one? Try to hold out on the crapping in front of one another for as long as possible because once that seal is broken, there are things we humans do in there that can never be unseen. I’ve been with The Man so long that it actually looks kind of jarring and out of place to see him sitting somewhere reading the newspaper or scrolling on his phone without his pants around his ankles.
The Bed ballet
You know you been together for a really long time when you both have the choreography of sleeping in the same bed down to a fine art. “You roll, I roll, Jack,” to paraphrase Titanic. It’s sorta sweet actually – Awwwww.
