Babysitting your friends’ kids is the single greatest gift you can give a pal.
But Jesus at what cost? Between the tantrums, the complicated bedtime routines, the fact that they NEVER go to bed anyway and the constant fear of breaking them, it’s a stressful old Saturday night for you. Still she’ll be eternally grateful and will maybe one day even repay the favour.
Here’re 10 truths about babysitting your friends kids:
You’re only delighted to… in theory
The first 10 minutes flies by then the next hour feels like two years
When are they home again? *Panic rising*
The thought “Oh my god, how does she do this?” is a constant refrain for the duration
For the first time ever you truly understand what your friend means when she says, “I’m exhausted”. And why she pretty much either falls asleep after three glasses of wine or else goes apeshit mental anytime she’s on a night out these days.
You think you’ve dodged the dirty nappy thing…
… Until BAM with 20 minutes to go, there’s a shit-up-the-back situation. Now what?
Spend 10 minutes debating. Pretend you didn’t notice? Or cut the baby out of the babygro? What if it’s a sentimental babygro?
Whatever you opt for, know this: you will end up with poo on your face.
You will give them sugar (despite repeated instructions from the parents not to)
Desperate times call for bribery. This will backfire spectacularly when the sugar causes them to go wilder than a pack of rabid dogs fighting over a discarded packet of Billy Roll. Take refuge crouched down beside the couch and think for the 283rd time “Seriously, how does she do this?”
You will drop or accidentally maim the child at some point
For some reason, this just seems kind of unavoidable. Like when you’re driving and concentrating really REALLY hard on not hitting that pothole and then you do. It’s a bit like that with kids; you’re concentrating so hard on not harming them, that invariably you do something really innocuous like swing your coat on too aggressively and bang them in the face. Maybe this is just me.
You think: “I’ve totally got the hang of this” at some point
“Kids are the best!” you caption a snapchat of the chirpy toddler just moments before a shitfit tantrum of apocalyptic proportions kicks off because you “broke the cheese”. In fact, you were thoughtfully cutting it up into bitesize pieces, but don’t bother trying to reason with them. Logic is futile when it comes to toddlers.
You will start to panic that your birth control is not working
“What if I’m pregnant?” This terror-inducing thought will hit you smack in the face at some point during the babysitting. If you already are pregnant, you shouldn’t be there in the first place. Friends are always trying to give pregnant people a ‘go’ of their children which is the last thing you need in that state. No pregnant person should be faced with any hard hitting realities of what is about to happen to them. The thought “I don’t ever want this thing to come out of me” might occur to the pregnant babysitter, don’t worry it is a million times easier with your own – at least, when they’re your own, you’re not constantly stressing about breaking them.
After the marathon babysitting session (it was two hours tops) you will be more exhausted than you thought humanly possible
You may also be suffering from mild PTSD from the relentless screaming you just endured. Self-medicate with wine and sweets and realise that your friend is a goddamn champ.
Main image via YouTube
