Sometimes I wish I could work on a typewriter.
Imagine the productivity if only I didn’t have the internet ready and waiting right there at my fingertips to steal away another three hours of my life.
Here are 10 online behaviours I blame for failing to achieve ANYTHING ever.
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YouTube Vortex
Damn you compilations of Simon Amstell’s best moments on Nevermind The Buzzcocks on YouTube, you’ve stolen hours of my life that I will never get back – particularly since I am now on another YouTube vortex of watching movie trailers for the next four hours.
Wikipedia Wandering
All those damn blue links, I came on here to settle a bet about the Jordache family trial in Brookside and suddenly 25 minutes, and six link-clicks later I’m reading about endometriosis. Wikipedia just takes you to weird places sometimes.
Pouring over Pinterest
I have GOT to make this awesome fro-yo bark, right after trying a Kilner jar rainbow salad, creating an innovative kitchen storage solution using only tension rods and creating a stylish and thrifty shoulder bag from old t-shirts… Or I could just watch the compilation of Simon Amstell’s cutest moments on Never Mind the Buzzcocks – that bunny suit was adorbs.
The Instagram Sham
So many hours lost to looking at pictures of people’s feet on the life-suck that is Instagram. Incidentally you know you have hit peak immunity to the Selfie when you find yourself on the rare cool person’s Instagram account that is NOT covered with heavily edited snaps of them looking cool and you start to wonder what’s up with that. Until you remember that it used to be NORMAL not to display hundreds of pictures of yourself at all times.
The Twitter Frenzy
The build up of a Twitter frenzy is a sight to behold. A minor transgression by a public figure or even a lay person can generate vitriolic tweets and headlines such as “Nigella’s avocado toast recipe sparks outrage on Twitter” with no hint of a sense of humour. Now when watching virtually anything on the Late Late Show, I can’t help but think “Uh oh, what’s Twitter going to think of THIS?” Sometimes Twitter’s like a group of Outrage Addicts Anonymous, all that finger-wagging and hashtagging whatever sh*te Katie Hopkins has just been spouting about is apparently compulsive for the offended Twitteratti.
The Comments Section
Do NOT read the bottom half of the internet, it will only make you angry. You could be reading the comments section of an episode of Peppa Pig and there will STILL be a healthy dose of racism, homophobia and misogyny in there. It will make you feel ashamed to call yourself a human.
Blog Binge
I have a lot of blogs to check in with every day. It’s very time-consuming. Cup of Jo for a bit of life envy; Goop for a bit of hate-reading; the Minimalist Bakers for ‘healthy’ treats and the Militant Baker for something more edifying. Oh look, it’s nearly dark out and I’ve done exactly nothing since getting up this morning.
Google Search Bar Suggestion Odyssey
Just typing “How do I tell what version of windows I have…” can lead to such intriguing (and distracting) other suggestions such as “How do I tell her I love her…” and “How do you get scabies…”. C’mon, admit it, you really want to google “how do you get scabies?” right now.
Asos Addiction
If I had a euro for all the faux fur bomber jackets, patent loafers and metallic shorts I’ve bought on a wine whim… oh wait.
Streaming
Any movie, anytime, it’s too much for a chronic procrastinator like myself and it’s led to watching A LOT of terrible movies… Drive Me Crazy anybody???
