The sage wisdom imparted to pregnant ladies via hospital leaflets, email updates from BabyCentre and interfering relatives will only get you so far. We’re here to give you the Pregnancy Uncovered version…
1. You will become a crier.
There is no avoiding this. Even the most no nonsense among us inevitably crack under the deluge of hormones and find ourselves weeping over insurance ads, Joe Duffy and anything involving babies or baby animals.
2. You will piss yourself (or worse) at some point.
No one tells you this because they don’t want you to worry about when it will happen just know this: It will happen.
3. If you are lucky, you will know hunger like no hunger you have ever experienced before.
At one point in my pregnancy I actually used a sandwich as a sandwich filling. That’s right it was a sandwich inside another sandwich. Heaven.
4. If you are unlucky, you may instead feel as though you are suffering from perpetual motion sickness for nine months.
This is no fun. A bit of dry toast is about the only culinary adventure you will be able for. I’m sorry.
5. You will feel a little bit like a celebrity for the duration of the pregnancy.
Strangers will ask you all about yourself and people will be nice to you for no real reason whatsoever. Soak it up. Once that baby is out no one will care about you anymore. It will be all about the baby and you will be just another hasbeen, like one of the Sugababes.
6. You will feel a strong urge to watch One Born Every Minute.
DON’T watch One Born Every Minute. Either you will cry and literally be unable to stop, or you will develop a morbid fear of the birth (which there is no getting out of one way or another so best not to be fretting prematurely).
7. Things that previously you might have been a little bit appalled by will become the norm.
Example: Farting in front of your other half (pregnancy is gassy). If you are still keeping up the pretence of not farting in front of each other don’t bother. Farting will absolutely PALE in comparison to exploring the other delights of pregnancy such as the perineum massage – they actually recommend that your partner perform this. Though all of this breaking down of boundaries is probably good practice for the birth, aspects of which (though beautiful and miraculous) once seen can never be unseen.
8. You may experience profound fear at the prospect of becoming a parent.
This is a pretty rational response. It’s MONUMENTAL.. though reading that probably doesn’t alleviate your fears. How about this: Remember Charlie Sheen? He’s a parent. If Charlie Sheen is doing it you can DEFINITELY do it. That makes you feel better right? Though now I’m actually kind of worrying for Charlie Sheen’s kids…
9. You will spend hours watching the bump.
It’s mesmerising watching the belly contort with the babies movement, a bit like a lava lamp or Netflix.
10. You will definitely balance delicious snack foods on the bump.
It’s what it’s there for.
11. Your nipples might leak (especially if stimulated – best not too think too much about that one).
This doesn’t happen to everyone, we’re just warning you. Nothing worse than having your nipples stimulated one minute and then bam what looks like milk is going everywhere. It’s jarring.
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