I was a teenager in the late 90s and I am still recovering from it.
In many ways being a hideous teenager spared me a lot of grief. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was at least eighteen (and at last making my way out of the style wilderness of the 90s) I see this as a major positive as most of my peers had their first sex in the downstairs loos of random house parties and the like. Being an ugly teenager is a goddamn godsend I reckon. No one having any sexual interest in you during your formative years leaves lots of time for maudlin hours spent listening to Placebo (or as you might call them Place-bo), forming strong opinions about who is the coolest member of the babysitters club (Claudia obvi) and becoming increasingly cynical about the teen romcom format, particularly anything from the Freddie Prince Jr. oeuvre (She’s All That was and remains poison of the soul).
To be honest, my thirties are presenting all new style blunders, I’m still pretty challenged in the blending my foundation into my neck department, the disastrous new mother haircut is apparently mandatory and I will admit I’m way too reliant on dry shampoo at this point.
Here’re 13 EPIC Style Blunders We Made in Our Nineties/Noughties Teens
Over-plucked eyebrows
Many of us had to spend our 20s seeking brow rehabilitation after the over-zealous plucking of our teens.
Sun-In Fail
It never quite made us blond, did it?
Thong Above Waistband
Just what the hell was the visible thong line all about. Utterly grotesque.
The Choker
I’ve noticed a disturbing return of the 90s choker and I’m sorry to say that this unforgiving accessory is continuing its reign of double chin-enhancing terror on a new generation. Chokers really need to be the preserve of owners of the very slim long neck only.
The Non-Matching Lip Liner
The skinny drawn on eyebrows were nicely balanced by the lips heavily outlined in a different colour to the lipstick. Also, brown lipstick was seemingly the only colour available during this era.
Lip Gloss
Lip gloss was just not remotely designed for real life, resulting as it did in an immediate hair-stuck-to-face situation.
Parachute Pants
The Irish girls in parachute pants dealt with a constant unfortunate side effect of being permanently soaked from the knees down, on the upside we all understood first hand the nature of the capillary action, handy for Junior Cert science.
Greasy Tendrils
Essential to absolutely every 90s updo was a few carefully selected tendrils teased out to perfectly frame the face, like a couple of greasy, skinny little curtains. Stunning.
Glitter Gel
We basically moisturised with glitter gel back in the day.
Mini Buns
Before the Man Bun, there was the Mini Bun and they were even more offensive (if that’s even possible), the mini buns were like a sartorial nod to hedgehogs – if ever a sartorial nod did not need to exist it was this one.
Mini Clips
A distant cousin of the mini buns were the mini clips; tiny butterfly clips got a lot of use in the late 90s. They were most often utilised to create an incredibly white approximation of cornrows.
Home Highlights
At some point, every one of us surely either gave or received highlights in the bathroom of their parent’s house. This involved a plastic cap poked with holes, rather incongruously a crochet needle and a LOT of guesswork.
Wet Look Styled Hair
So so crunchy.
