Jesus Harold Christ.

It may seem like the stuff of bad romantic comedies but alas it’s an unfortunate reality that some men enlist the services of Hitchesque coaches to help them attract women. One such service is The Modern Man, who claim their expert advice has been developed over many years by becoming truly successful with women in their own lives first, teaching other men in person on weekend courses and coaching “hundreds” of men every year on their phone service. Right okay. Well now in an altruistic favour to the men of the world, the coaches have released a bit of advice entitled How to Talk to a Woman Who is Wearing Headphones. It starts off with a fairly obvious statement: “These days, many women walk around playing with a smartphone or tablet device and are often wearing headphones and listening to music at the same time.” And then it starts to go downhill when they suggest that this doesn’t mean that men can’t approach them. After all, they say, “if a woman wearing headphones is single and hoping to meet a boyfriend (or even a new lover), she will almost always be happy to take off her headphones to give you an opportunity to create a spark with her.” But how should the male approach the female species? Well, they advise making every move blatantly obvious so that her tiny woman brain can fully understand his advances. In what is possibly the most patronising list on instructions ever penned, the coach Dan Bacon writes:

1. Stand in front of her (with 1 to 1.5 meters between you).
2. Have a relaxed, easy-going smile.
3. Wave your hand in her direct line of vision so she can’t ignore it.
4. smile and point to her headphones and say, “Take off your headphones for a minute” and pretend to be taking headphones off your head, so she fully understands.

At this point the author interjects to say that while most women should understand, it would further help if you starts “pointing back and forth from you to her and say, “I want to talk to you for a minute.””

5. This one legitimately says acknowledge the awkwardness of the situation.

Dan the man then continues to script the potential conversation and suggests this as the running order:

You: [Smile in a friendly, confident manner] Hey – I know it’s not normal for people to talk to someone with headphones in, but I was walking along and saw you and thought – wow, she’s a cutie, I have to say hi. I’m Dan, what’s your name? Woman: [Usually flattered by the compliment and impressed by your confidence to approach her like that] Jessica. You: [Add in some humor] Cool…nice to meet you Jessica. I don’t normally talk to girls with headphones, but your big green headphones were just calling out to me. Woman: [Most likely laughing, smiling and enjoying the interaction].

The post further offers advice on conversation topics and suggests that the biggest mistake a man can make is allowing a woman to ignore him. Take it from us guys, that’s absolutely not the case. In fact, take the advice from The Modern Man, think about it, and do the exact opposite.