While getting engaged is an exciting time, planning an Irish wedding comes with some added difficulties.
Sound familiar?
You can find yourself managing the expectations of others, especially if you don’t want to have a ‘traditional’ wedding.
In a poll we conducted, 54 percent of our readers told us they felt constrained by the expectations of family and friends when organising their wedding.
Katherine from Northern Ireland encountered these exact issues when she got married two years ago. When Katherine’s decision to elope was strongly criticised by her mother, she agreed to have a small wedding in Belfast instead.
“We paid for our own wedding but people still made us follow their expectations. I wanted to limit it to our siblings and their kids because my parents were separated. I didn’t want the awkwardness of having my aunts but my mum made me invite them to the ceremony.”
The guest list caused Katherine and her partner significant stress and resulted in some guests leaving early on the day, including her dad. In addition, the expectations of Katherine’s mother caused the budget for the wedding to skyrocket.
“I spent so much more because of her expectations. I had picked out all the things I wanted and she would then get me to spend more on supplies and change the style of things I wanted.”
“I also planned how I wanted to decorate the event space, and my mum insisted on being involved. At first I thought it was great to have help but then she took over, made things I didn’t want and in the end, the space was mostly her decorations and very little of mine.”
“She made me feel like the things I wanted for the decor weren’t good enough, and made me double my budget for decorating.”
Katherine’s family were even critical of the dress she picked and pressured her to buy a different, more expensive dress.
While Katherine feels the day itself was great she also says the experience was “clouded” by the difficulties and expectations of others.
“I love my family and wanted to please everyone. I couldn’t manage that and barely pleased myself. If I had gone away like I wanted, I would still be dealing with my mum and her insistence that she’d never forgive me. So damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”
Sarah*, who is based in the UKL, got more than she bargained for when she married an Irish man.
“My husband’s family expected the traditional Irish wedding with a huge amount of guests. Before we had given out invitations, my mother in law had invited people or had promised them they were invited.”
This caused problems as Sarah was annoyed about strangers being invited to her wedding without her consent.
“I had to ask my husband to have a word with his mum to ensure that she didn’t invite anyone else. I could tell they were upset. They also wanted the big cathedral wedding but neither of us is very religious.”
Sarah says she was nervous as her “controlling” mother-in-law had ruined her sister-in-law’s wedding and she was determined to not let that happen to her.
“I explained to my husband how upset it was making me, thinking about the extra spend. He had a word, we made compromises and so did they.”
“Because I stood my ground we ended up having a lovely little wedding. We were married by a friend of mine, a Buddhist Anglican and female vicar, in a chapel. We had the party with all our friends and family and had a great time, it actually changed my mother-in-law’s idea about what a wedding should be.”
Having experienced weddings in different countries, Sarah believes Irish couples have extra difficulties when trying to do things differently.
“The best Irish weddings I have been to have been small, uncomplicated and the bride and groom have been able to enjoy themselves. It takes a strong backbone to make this happen with some families.”
As the only woman in her family, Lesley from Dublin says she felt immense pressure to have the typical big white wedding.
“However, when we decided we’d like to get married in 2017, we had two children under two and no intention of spending a fortune on a big wedding.”
Lesley and her now-husband decided on a very small registry wedding in Wexford, with just two witnesses.
“We arranged the witnesses, paid our fee, signed our papers, and got our date.”
But with only two weeks to go, Lesley started to panic about their decision.
“I was afraid that the disappointment my family might feel would cause an irreparable rift. So, we decided to invite each set of parents and my grandparents.”
“My Mam was very upset – she wanted the whole big wedding and to be able to invite all of her friends and neighbours. I explained that, for us, we wanted a marriage rather than a wedding. Begrudgingly, she accepted that it was our choice.
“For Lesley and her husband, the tiny registry office wedding was perfect. “It was beautiful. Just what we wanted! We went for lunch afterwards and it was ideal.”
Offering advice for anyone in a similar situation, Lesley says.
“Stay strong and remember that what’s going to make you both happy is key. Other people’s disappointment isn’t your responsibility!”
*Name changed
