Breakups are shit.
There’s legit nothing about them that’s even a little bit enjoyable.
Not the lead up to one, not the event itself, not the feeling of intense rejection and/or guilt-based sadness when it’s all over.
They are exclusively shit and there’s nothing we can do about it.
And yet, there remains a mild saving grace in the fact that everyone in the whole entire world has probably gone through one at least once in their lives.
At one stage or another, we were all in that cesspit of horrendousness together – just struggling to get through the day while sighing at Instagram Stories, obsessing over Facebook Memories, and sobbing violently into massive bowls of pasta.
So, understandably, when it became apparent that there were some things – scientifically proven things! – that people could do to help themselves get over a breakup, I was delighted for everyone involved.
Delighted, and entirely skeptical.
How could a comprehensive list of activities aid anyone and everyone in getting over somebody they once loved?
Would the experiences of other, anonymous people be similar to my own?
Would I ever be able to stop oversharing details of my breakups on the World Wide Web?
Who could say for sure?
Now, the study, conducted at the University of Missouri – St. Louis, had a fairly small sample size so it’s probably fair to go ahead and say that these strategies definitely will not work for everyone.
But would they work for me?
(Full disclosure: I haven’t experienced a breakup in a very long time and have been, thankfully spared from the pain, heartache, and general gloom, that comes with them.
I am extremely proficient, however, in recalling particularly bad and tragic memories and the intense number of emotions that occur during.
I’ve also definitely unconsciously used all of these strategies before so it was simply a case of remembering.)
Here’s what the study said I, in my fragile hypothetical state, should do.
1. Think negatively about my ex
Done, and done.
Who among us hasn’t broken up with someone or been broken up with and not immediately started thinking about how much we hate the person we used to go out with.
A lot of the time, it can almost be a default state. You won’t realise that you’re doing it and then all of a sudden you’re quietly seething about the time in Santa Ponsa 2013 when they made a questionable comment about your outfit on Night Three while forcing you to watch the match in an Irish bar.
The prick.
It might seem slightly harsh, but thinking about the bad parts of a relationship that’s just ended instead of the good parts does actually help a lot.
That’s not to say that you should forget everything nice that ever happened between you both, but being able to separate the two and recognise all of the reasons why your relationship didn’t work out is always good progress.
It is for me anyway, so I tend to do it. Lots.
Sadness level: 6/10
2. Accept that I am still in love and that’s OK
This is simply incorrect information.
If I get broken up with I am instantly no longer in love with the person in question. I hate them. They have ruined me. They have made me see flaws in myself that I never knew existed/didn’t want to address and I loathe them for it.
I do not sit and think about what could have been 24/7 and I absolutely never lurk their social media at 3am in the morning, drunk.
Never.
Sadness level: 9/10.
3. Distract myself with positive things
Thing one: food.
Thing two: that Netflix true crime doc I’ve been meaning to watch for a few months but kept putting off.
Thing three: more food.
Other potential things to forget about how devastated I am included making an intense amount of plans with people, doing far too many food shops, and trying (and failing) to learn how to use Excel.
Distracting yourself is great because you can use literally any medium you like to do it, and if it doesn’t make you any happier, it’ll at least keep you busy.
One of the worst thing you can probably do during a breakup is nothing. Wallowing will make you feel shit. But swallowing (drinks out on the town) will make you feel lit (sorry).
Sadness level: 3/10
4. Think about anything that’s not my ex
This strategy is, understandably, extremely difficult.
Tell someone not to think about the burrito bowl they’re having for lunch and what do they think of? The burrito bowl they’re having for lunch.
It’s just the way the human mind works and we are, unfortunately, powerless to stop it.
Not thinking about an ex was easy if I was engaging in strategy number three while doing it, but it’s on those lonely summer nights where the days are long and the calendar is empty that I tended to find my mind wandering back to a time where I wasn’t blissfully unhappy in my relationship.
Doing this also becomes increasingly difficult after a breakup because literally everyone you know is asking how you are after the breakup.
And if they weren’t asking how you were after the breakup you’d be like, ‘wow so rude of them, can’t believe they don’t care about how I’m doing after the breakup.’
Just can’t win.
Sadness level: 6/10.
All in all, each of these scientifically proven breakup strategies has the potential to ease pain.
But the next time I’m suffering from a severe amount of heartbreak, anger, and unmitigated loneliness, I’ll be straight back on my food/Netlifx/hanging-out-with-people-I-wouldn’t-usually-hang-out-with-just-because-I’m-lonely bullshit.
Distraction is key.
Get some.
