Ten Things... That Happen After Every Break-Up 7 years ago

Ten Things... That Happen After Every Break-Up

While you may feel that your relationship was unique and saying goodbye has caused you pain that could only be equalled by giving birth to an elephant, the truth is that we all turn into a walking cliché when going through a break-up.

Whether you were the dumper or the dumpee, the end of a relationship is a difficult and confusing time that can turn even the sanest of women in an emotional mess.

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If you've even broken up with someone you truly loved, you'll probably recognise a few of these.


1) You will go though the 'hit by a truck' phase

Yesterday, you were one half of a couple and had a whole heap of imaginary future plans with your significant other. Now, you're on your own. How can you manage to move on with life when you can't even pick up the phone to tell your bestie?

Best just to sit on the floor for a few hours and pretend like it's not actually happening.

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2) You will cry and cry and cry... to a really horrendous soundtrack

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You've sat on the floor for several hours, possibly days, and it appears that you are still single. Jaysus, this is really happening.

Your life is over and the only way to possibly deal with this is to torture yourself by playing that song you both danced to on your first date... even if it happens to be a particularly cringy 80s number from Dirty Dancing

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3) There will be endless, endless questions

Everything used to be good. You were that couple that everyone wanted to be. What went wrong?! Maybe you should have been nicer to his mother. Was your entire relationship a sham? ARE YOU COMPLETELY UNLOVABLE?

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4) You will transform into the break-up version of The Hulk

Once the tears run out, the devastation will be replaced with all consuming rage. How DARE he treat you like this? You can do better than that a**hole.

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5) You'll get back on the wagon

Adele comes off the iPod and Beyoncé goes on. You are a catch, you don't need that loser. You're going to get so drunk with your mates and flirt with new men and take a million photos so you can find one where you look absolutely amazing and post it to Facebook... not that you care whether he sees it or not because you are sooooo OVER it.

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6) You will send a drunk text while on aforementioned night out

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It was all going so well... but then you had that fourth shot of tequila, lost your friends and thought that sending an angry/loving/sad text to your ex-boyfriend was a better idea that going to Supermac's.

Rookie mistake. The burger calories can be worked off in the gym, the fear and humiliation will follow you forever.

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7) While suffering from 'The Fear', you'll cyber stalk

You've been a perfect example of self-control up to now but goddammit, you can't take anymore.

You must know whether he has been out on the town, hooking up with your arch enemy or got married so you give in and spent an hour going through his Facebook/Twitter/Instagram to see if there's any suggestion that he's sitting at home crying into a can of cheap beer and pining for you.

Then you'll instantly regret it. Especially if you accidentally click 'like' on a photo from two weeks ago.

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8) You'll attempt to recover your self-esteem with a makeover

Nothing feels better than walking out of a hair salon with a new do so it's the obvious choice when you're feeling about as sexy as Worzel Gummidge.

You shave your legs, put down the Tayto multi-pack and prepare to feel on top of the world... only to fall victim to an overenthusiastic stylist who convinces you to try this season's pixie crop, despite the fact that you are DEFINITELY not Audrey Hepburn.

Always, always phone a friend on this one.

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9) You will hook up with someone entirely unsuitable

As the saying goes 'the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else' and chances are, you'll probably pick the worst person in the entire world for your rebound fling.

Whether it's that barman in the pub down the road or someone you normally wouldn't touch with a sterilised bar pole, the only piece of advice we can give you here is never, ever, ever sleep with one of your friends. It may seem like a good idea at the time but while you can change your local or delete someone's number, it's hard to keep things platonic if you've seen someone naked.

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10) You'll bump into them... and it will be fine

Every time you head out after the break-up, you'll dread bumping into them but eventually, it will happen and hopefully they'll have developed a bald patch or dodgy moustache that will make it so much easier.

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