Looking to spice things up but don’t want to frighten your partner (or yourself)?
Here in Ireland, we are definitely opening up more and more when it comes to sex.
And no-one knows this better than Ireland’s only clinical sexologist Emily Power Smith, who runs a busy private clinic in Dun Laoghaire and consults couples and singles about all things sex and sexuality every day.
However, she’s not convinced that this more “open” and “no holds barred” approach is always a positive thing, and suggests that it could actually be putting more pressure on people to “measure up” to other folks’ seemingly wild and adventurous sex lives.
People can often feel pressure to “measure up” to what others are doing when it comes to sex.
She explained how there is now more pressure than ever to experience these “screaming orgasms”, but that this is “pressure that wasn’t there years ago because no one was talking about orgasm.”
She explained: “Orgasms vary widely. You may have a little one that’s like a little cough, or you may have a screaming orgasm, or anything in between. They’re all wonderful. But we’re judging ourselves too harshly.”
There is no shame in admitting that you are beginner when it comes to kinky exploits, in fact coming from a place of honesty will and non-judgement will achieve far better results.
Almost half of couples would rather stay in for quality time on Valentine’s Day.
Research, conducted by Durex, revealed that 47& of us would rather stay in for some quality time together on the big day.
With this in mind, Emily recommends introducing a small “non-scary” sex toy to your love-making, but making sure you’ve done your homework first.
She explains:
“A lot of women think they need a toy to penetrate them to lead to orgasm. They don’t understand that their vagina is a birth canal, not a sex organ.
The sex organ is the clitoris, which isn’t in the vagina. So most women, without any clitoral stimulation, are not going to find their orgasms in their vagina.
For a beginner, the best place to start is with a small clitoral stimulator.
Don’t go too big or scary if you are beginner.”
Emily emphasises that we need to educate ourselves about our bodies and how we orgasm.
Moving forward, she recommends visiting sexsiopa.ie, where “all toys are body safe, owner is sex positive, and all toys are labelled with ‘beginner, intermediate'” so you can graduate to something a little more out there as you progress.
With or without a toy, the most important thing is not to put pressure on yourselves or create unrealistic expectations.
She notes that: “Historically, women get their information from chic lit and rom coms, but men get their information from porn. This is really unhelpful for expectations.”
So be realistic as to what’s right for you, try to forget these ingrained ideas of what things should look or feel like, or what the Joneses are doing, and just enjoy your partner and your own body for what it is.
