I got married yesterday.
After several failed relationships and even more questionable Tinder dates I decided that it was time to stop beating around the bush and finally take the plunge.
For years, I had always wondered if I would make a good wife.
I pondered as to whether or not I had what it took to love another person unconditionally, wait on them hand and foot, and support every single one of their unrealistic, questionable endeavours.
I assumed that the answer to all of the above would be a solid no, but I still wanted to give it a go.
… And lucky for me, people were getting married off in a pop-up chapel for 30 days in the middle of town so I didn’t have to venture far from the office, which was nice.
All the loves up couples are getting hitched in the @VirginMediaIE chapel on King Street South as part of their #30day no strings attached! pic.twitter.com/Sjy21OpCkB
— Her.ie (@Herdotie) October 19, 2017
As it turns out, getting married to a stranger taught me a lot of things about the institution of marriage, the expectations of womanhood, and the steady, slow death of traditional dating as we so know it.
It also taught me some things about myself.
Five things, to be exact.
This is them.
1. I don’t want children
It may have taken a mere 27 minutes of marriage to figure this out but when the realisation came, it came hard and fast.
But Jade, I hear you ask, who will look after you when you’re old? Won’t you feel an emptiness in your life that can only be quelled by the quiet stirring of a foetus inside of your uterus?
Honestly, probably not.
2. I can do sambuca shots at 6pm if I put my mind to it
There are plenty of ways to psyche yourself up for your big day.
Some people go on yoga retreats. Others enjoy a classy night out with their friends.
I ordered a gin and tonic and almost immediately followed that with a shot of sambuca.
That glaringly problematic combination was then followed by another gin and tonic and another shot of sambuca.
It was 6pm.
My decision was questionable, and yet, I was not alone in my willingness to apparently ruin my entire life as there were plenty of brides-to-be alongside me tentatively sipping (downing) their own liqueur before we stalled it to the chapel to be wed.
An intense decision, but not one that I regret.
3. Veils are fun to wear and I support their existence in everyday life
If I were a fashion blogger or knew what haute couture meant, I would be far more qualified to claim that veils are the latest #trend to be sweeping the nation.
But because I’ve just gotten married I feel like I have at least some kind of expertise on the subject so I’m going to go ahead and call it anyway.
#A/W17 lads, you heard it here first.
4. I am not marriage material
I always had my suspicions, and yet, never a confirmation.
That was until I walked back down that aisle, handed someone my bouquet, ordered two more drinks (one for each hand) and contemplated what I had done.
I didn’t want a husband.
I never wanted a husband.
Spending the rest of your life living harmoniously alongside another human being without getting bored, underappreciated, or terrified by the futility of monogamy.
Never. This was not the life for me.
5. I needed to learn a lot more about divorce law in Ireland
It’s time to brush up, I guess.
