A rape survivor sat in a courtroom this week as the powerful letter she wrote to the man who assaulted her was read aloud.
Nathan Teece, 31, was standing trial for raping the woman while she slept at a house party in 2016.
He was sentenced for seven years in prison for the attack.
The woman, originally from Queensland, Australia, cannot be named for legal reasons. – but her powerful letter was published in full by news.au.com.
It reads:
“I feel like I died that day. You shushed me. I screamed out and you literally shushed me.
“You were so calm, as if you were doing nothing wrong. Your hand was tight over my mouth and you continued to shush me.
“With that you muted me completely. You decided that I didn’t need to be heard. I was gone.
“You never ever deserved to be even close to me. But you were. You took me anyway.”
She went on to say that she never in a “million years” thought that she would be raped that night.
She continued:
“I was in the safest place possible. I was with people I knew and trusted. (My husband) was right there, just down the staircase. And yet, no one could save me.
“I feel weak because I wasn’t able to defend myself when no one else could. No amount of self-defence classes could have prepared me or changed the outcome.“This is what terrifies me the most. I was in a safe place. I was always a weary and aware person; I was not naive to the worst around me.
“I would always look out for other women and try to be their protector. Yet, I couldn’t protect myself and it kills me.
“Every piece of my being wishes so desperately that I could have pulled or pushed my arm out, or somehow kicked you. At least once, one ounce of retaliation, but I couldn’t.
“I wish I could have left a mark on your body. Yet no amount of scratches or kicks could have come close to the unseen marks you’ve left on mine.
“I actually struggled to say that, my body? Really it’s mine? But I don’t want it anymore.”
In her statement, the woman went on to recall the devastating impact of that night – and the “humiliating” aftermath.
She continued:
“I was handed a small toiletry bag to use and keep. It contained a shower cap. I didn’t use it. I wanted to scrub off any trace of you, your breath on my head, your saliva or hair in mine.
“I felt sick. There was mouthwash, a comb and a bar of soap. I think a jug of disinfectant would have been more appropriate.
“The bag made me angry. It was sort of like a goodie bag. Why would I want to keep any of this stuff?”
The woman described the moment she went back to work for the first time, five months after the attack.
She said:
“I sat in a room of 20 people. I laughed, I made friends, and people gave me compliments. I felt like I had fooled everyone. I felt like a liar when I had to talk about myself.
“I just wanted to scream. I spent all day trying to hide the uncontrollable shaking of my hands.
“I drank three bottles of water just for something to do with my hands. Every time I went to the bathroom I felt like someone was waiting or would come in and attack me.
“I smiled at people today. I walked with my head up, I acted confident. I spoke to large groups of people. Someone even told me I was pretty, someone even said I had a lovely energy. I went home and cried. I fooled everyone today. I’m not OK.”
She recalled how the attack had impacted her life, before ending her statement with a powerful message.
She said:
“The person you see now is just a tiny fraction of who I once was. I am a sad, anxious broken piece of a once whole person.
“I’m constantly told things like ‘don’t let it change you’ or ‘don’t let him win’. Hearing that makes me so angry.
“I am different, and I have changed. You haven’t won; but I have lost. I’ve lost parts of myself. I’ve lost my trust, my security and my control.
“I cannot even walk into a store by myself. I am scared of people and scared of life.
“The worst possible thing that could happen to me did. This just leaves me expecting that bad things will happen now.
“I will never understand you, or why you did what you did.
“You may continue to tell yourself that you are not in that group, that you are not a rapist, but you are. You will have to live with that, and that is your cross to bear.
“I forgive you in a way that I have separated myself from the anger I constantly felt towards you. I feel at peace now, I am no longer sinking, my head is above water.
“I still will have those days where I sink back into feeling broken; but I am determined and I will empower myself. I am a wild fire, and you will never put me out again.”
If you or anyone you know has been affected by this story, you can contact the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre on 1800 77 8888, Women’s Aid on 1800 341 900, Samaritans on 116 123/Text: 087 2609090/Email: [email protected] or Pieta House at 1800 247 247.
