Cooking is hard.
I have lately developed a newfound respect for chefs and more specifically, live tv chefs. Not only do they have to avoid making a balls of whatever they’re cooking, they also have to keep smiling and be nice about it, in front of a few million people.
The pressure is unimaginably immense and I want these unsung heroes to be given the recognition they truly deserve. Here’s 6 things that happen during every live tv cookery segment ever.
1. The presenters convincingly tease the arse out of the segment
The presenters will give a quick intro at the top of the show. They’ll mention the guests that are going to appear, then top it all off with a gentle tease of what the chef is going to be preparing for them. One of the presenters will be extremely over the top and say something like “Oh my God I LOVE *insert dish here*, I can’t wait to try it, it’s my favourite”. The other presenter will look on in disgust as they can see through their dark and disgusting lies.
2. The chef smugly talks shop
Finally, the celebrity chef gets their time to shine. He/she does their best to invoke food porn scenarios for the presenters and viewers alike. They show off their extremely fresh ingredients and throw in some random fact they’ve been waiting years to share with the masses. Did you know that saffron can cure leprosy? If mixed with a teaspoon of Calpol and a kick up the hole. One of the presenters will pretend to write it down for future reference.
3. A hopeless presenter gets involved for comedic value
For comic value, one of the presenters of the show will roll up their sleeves and get involved. They brag about how much of a hopeless cook their are, while the chef pokes fun at their inability to chop a pepper correctly. Eejit. The special helper regularly looks for cheeky assurance from the chef, saying innuendo buzzwords like “Is this ok?”, “How big do you want it?” and “Should I just stick it in here?” Lol. Grow up.
4. A quick check in to build the suspense
The presenters get on with the show and leave the celebrity chef to go about their business. He/she can be heard in the background shuffling around with pots and pans, which all ads to the very exciting build-up. After a chat with some of the other guests, they’ll get a quick update as to how the food is coming along and one of the presenters will act as if they are suffering from scurvy and the chef has the only remaining Vitamin C supplements on Earth.
5. Here’s one I prepared earlier (because I am a liar)
The chef’s conscience gets in the way and they are forced to come clean. They haven’t prepared this entire spread in the studio. The oven doesn’t even work. He/she spent the previous night slaving away at emails forcing their assistant to prepare an identical dish. All they’ve done is turn up, look pretty, chat a bit and utilise the studio’s state of the art microwave. One of the presenters will audibly gasp for dramatic effect when the chef announces “Here’s one I prepared earlier”.
6. Oscar-winning performances during the taste test
It’s the big finale: The taste test! The presenters gather round, waiting for the chef’s signal to pounce. They arm themselves with cutlery as the chef gives another quick rundown of what they’ve “prepared”, then invites them to dig in. There’s audible groans and heavy breathing, as they tuck into the grub. The presentesr rave about the combination of flavours, while the token comedian jokes about how it’s awful and they should get rid of it (into their belly lolololol!). The presenters will be fired unless they end the show with “Now we’re off to finish this”, followed by a mouthful of food and a wink.
Unedited images via YouTube
