Cannes Film Festival is currently taking place in France.

However, photographs of famous people delicately sipping on champagne feels a million miles away from our simple little lives over here in Ireland. The entire festival has a serious bang of notions off it, so I'm going to ruin it by pretending it's being held in Ireland. Let's see what differences would arise.

---

It would be called the Cans Film Festival Those that studied French in school are likely to have the knowledge that you're not supposed to pronounce the last letter of any French word (unless it's followed by a vowel). So we could pretend that our Irish version is giving justice to the French language, but in reality, it's just going to be called the Cans Film Festival because it is solely based around the consumption of cans.   The only beverage available would be cans Forget your champagne and prosecco, we are a simple folk with very simple tastes. There is quite literally nothing wrong with a bag of cans and I am willing to engage in a heated discussion with anyone who thinks otherwise. "Stars" would arrive on the red carpet with their preferred brand of cans in hand, daintily sipping away until they reach a level of appropriate social comfort.   Nobody famous would turn up As we know, nobody famous ever really comes to Ireland unless they're paid an obscene amount of money. Our dire Friday and Saturday night chat shows will have to continue their usual patterns of raiding the nearby eateries for guests. If we're lucky, someone like Patricia Arquette's dog groomer's nephew might happen to be in town at the same time as Cans Film Festival and we'd treat him like ROYALTY.   The outfits would be underwhelming Listen, if you're going to consume cans, you're going to need to be dressed comfortably. None of these expensive dresses and suits malarky. The dress code would be 'banter' and each attendee needs to bring a minimum of one novelty hat and glow stick or they will be refused entry at the gates. Red carpet reporters will frantically ask where outfits were purchased, only to be met with the classic "Penneys, €5" response.   The screenings would be held in a field It's universally acknowledged that a field is the best place for cans to be consumed. Once the appropriate field is located, it will be minimally decorated and prepped for the arrival of a portable DVD player, if anyone remembers. If not, what harm? Cans in a field it is. There will probably be some sort of a discussion about films at some point. In all seriousness, Shrek 2 was appalling though wasn't it?   Nobody wins anything Unless you consider having a nice time necking cans with your mates the greatest prize of all ;) Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you, the Cans Film Festival 2016. Thank you.      

---

Missy Elliott image via Tumblr.