EXCLUSIVE look at Beyoncé’s rider from Croke Park

Rider? But I barely know her!

Beyoncé played Croke Park on Saturday night and, by all accounts, it appears to have been an extremely lit occasion. I'm more interested in getting to know the real Bey. What does she have for dinner? What's her favourite film? How often does she change the nail polish on her toenails, etc? One way of tapping into her inner psyche is by meticulously examining the list of demands Beyoncé puts on her rider. [We cannot reveal the inside source that leaked this rider to us, but we are inclined to believe it is legit].

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• 2 crates of San Pellegrino assorted fancy minerals with the barcodes containing even numbers only
• 24 cans of Dutch Gold - strictly room temperature
• 1 almost full pint of Guinness for photo opportunity
• Multipack of Meanies
• Destiny's Child posters - Michelle must be cut out
• Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason on DVD - all scenes with character Rebecca (Becky) to be cut out
• Security guards are only to be wearing teal
• Selection of CDs by Liberty X, Six, The Coronas and LLoyd Daniels (from X Factor)
• 4 packets of Easy Singles cheese
• Staff member appointed to repeatedly tell the artist she is a member of the illuminati
• 1 very soft and fluffy rabbit, fond of cuddles and answers to the name 'Jay You Cheating Pig'
• Dart board with a photograph of Kelly Rowland on the bullseye
• Scented candles - Lime, vanilla, cinnamon and burning flesh
• 1 monkey testicle
• 6 pack of Strawberry Yops
• Ice sculpture of Rachel Roy, complete with chisel for carving
• 17 towels with the British flag on them
• Exactly 1,862 dry roasted peanuts
• Framed and signed photograph of Bella from Fair City
• 1 naggin of vodka decanted into a sandwich bag so the artist can stuff it down her knickers to sneak past security

  Unedited version of lead image via Beyoncé's website.