Mairead Farrell on Having It All, and why Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Breaking up with someone is the most difficult thing to do. Especially when you really, really, really like the person you are breaking up with.

I've had, or should I say Dara has had, the same child minder for five years; a wonderful woman who has taken care of him every day while I've worked. She's a second mum who has cuddled him when he's fallen over, and wiped both his nose and his bum! She's known affectionately as ‘Mammy Kay’. 

He loves her, and I do too, but because things change over time, we have to ‘break up’. That conversation was one of the toughest I've ever had. Thinking about it for a few weeks was causing me so much stress. But, because she is such a fantastic person, she understood completely and told me everything would be okay. As the conversation went on, Kay began to ‘childmind’ me, giving me words of encouragement. I babbled things like: ‘It’s not you, its me!’ and ‘You are wonderful but this is just not working out like it used to…’

She began by telling me I was doing the right thing for myself, and my family. She continued telling me all the things I needed to hear; ‘We'll still be friends’, ‘We'll still see each other’, and the most comforting thing – ‘Anytime you need me, I'm here’.

So why is this happening? Why am I changing from this fabulous setup? Well, in the last year we've moved house, slightly further away from Kay. Dara has started school and now finishes at a different time to Kay’s three children and, lastly, I'm working longer hours. All of these reasons combined mean I get home later from work than I used to, dinner is happening later, and ultimately we are getting to bed too late.

So I've finally admitted to myself that I need some help at home. It hasn't been an easy decision. From next month on we will have an au pair living with us – a bright young Spanish 24-year-old girl will move in to our spare bedroom and look after my boy after school until I get home. 

It's going to be very strange in the beginning with a girl in her 20's living with us, but I looked at every possibility and this seems like the best option for us. By doing this I will gain over an hour a day with my son. Right now, I spend that in my car sitting in traffic travelling to collect him. He's happy there, so am I being selfish making this big change?

It's times like this that I HATE being a working mum. Just 25 years ago, in my mother’s time, this wasn't really a common problem. Women had kids and the majority stayed at home. Now it's like there is this big divide, working women on one side with stay-at-home mums on the other, both feeling hard done by and very often stressed out by the decision they've made. Both always feeling like they have to justify their position... 

So many mothers are out working because they simply have to, to survive. And I’m one of them.  

What is the solution? There is none. As women we want it all. I know I do. Some days I want to work, be creative, be glamorous, be part of an office gang. And other days I just want to be Dara’s mum, stay at home, and play with him.

Mairead & the gorgeous Dara, enjoying some quality time

There doesn't seem to be any perfect fast fix to this, but I’ve had the next best thing for five years; Mammy Kay looking after Dara like one of her own during all my working hours. But all good things come to an end, and I'm very sad that this relationship must now too. 

I have my fingers, toes and eyes crossed that our new situation works out well. I’ll keep you posted 

M x