Can You Say No? We Teach You How To Stop Being A People-Pleaser

Sometimes we spend too much of our time worrying what other people think of us, concerned as to how we are being perceived as a person or anxious as to whether we’re being liked or not.

Well, it’s time to stop and think. Are you taking into consideration your own feelings at all?

People-pleasers want everyone around them to be happy and they will do whatever is asked of them to keep it that way.

They put everyone else before themselves and saying "yes" is a habit.  

People-pleasers’ personal feeling of security and self-confidence is based on getting the approval of others. Some experts claim this proves that people-pleasers lack confidence.

We all remember screaming "Nooo!" at the screen when Laura Linney’s character chose to leave her much-awaited for night of passion with the hot office co-worker to go visit her sick brother. "Get back into bed!" we cried.

Phew… And we’re only just beginning!

Here are some strategies to help you to stop being a people-pleaser and to finally say no.

1. Know you have a choice.

People-pleasers often feel like they have to say yes when someone asks for their help. Remember that you always have a choice to say no.

2. Stall.

Whenever someone asks you for a favour, it’s perfectly acceptable to say that you’ll need to think about it. This gives you the opportunity to consider if you can commit to helping them. Think about the time you’ll be giving up and how pressured will you feel. Asking yourself these questions is key.

3. Set a time limit.

If you do agree to help out, limit your time frame. Put a time on the amount of time you can give this person. Let the person know you are only available for two hours, etc.

4. Know if you are being taken advantage of.

Sometimes, people are clearly taking advantage of you so it’s important to watch out for manipulators and flatterers. The flatterers are easy to spot.  A classic line is "Nobody does this better than you do," she said, almost like the way you would speak to a child. Be careful.

5. Don’t trip over yourself giving excuses.

It’s tempting to want to defend your decision to say no to someone so they understand your reasoning. But this could actually backfire. As soon as you start explaining, you give the other person lots of wiggle room to come back and say, "Oh, you can do that later..."

Just say it...go on... say it..."No..."

6. Start small.

Take baby steps and it will all fall into place. Instead of marching into the big boss’s office to ask for a raise, talk with your own boss first about how to prepare yourself for the talk, she said.

7. Practice successive approximation.

This is a good one. Successive approximation means taking one step in the direction you want to go and rewarding yourself for getting that far. If your neighbour’s dog’s barking is keeping you up all night, make efforts to confront the person by first saying "Good morning," as you’re both leaving the house. Another time, you might mention how noisy "someone’s dog" has been. If he doesn’t get the hint, you can knock on his door and tell him straight.

8. Don’t apologise.

People-pleasers tend to think it’s all their fault. Pay attention to when you’re apologising and consider if you’re really at fault. Usually the answer will be no.

9. Remember that saying no has its benefits.

Saying no is an opportunity to spend your time doing what you value in your life. Also, it might mean that when you do choose to give your time to somebody, they will appreciate it more.

10. Know when you’ve been successful.

Many people-pleasers tend to focus on what went wrong, on the negatives. Counteract this tendency and think of the times you handled a situation well, such as when you were assertive or didn’t apologize.