How did you feel about PE?
If you were fit during your school years, you probably felt fairly alright about it.
You most likely didn’t dread sticking on your dirty O’Neills and heading to the hall to be shouted at by a man in shorts who barely moved an inch himself during the entire session.
You probably excelled at every single sport and activity that was thrown your way.
If that’s the case then good for you – I’m not bitter at all.
I did not feel fairly alright about PE. I hated PE. I was not good at PE and every week, twice a week, I sobbed violently while pulling on my crumpled school hoodie that hadn’t seen a washing machine since 2007.
I tried the period excuse every second week, but seeing as we were an all girls’ school, it didn’t work.
People take note of that stuff. People remember.
That’s why when it was announced this week that PE was to going to become a Leaving Cert subject in 60 schools around the country, I did not jump for joy.
I didn’t jump for anything, because jumping exerts too much energy and I had already died for 40 minutes in the gym that morning.
We haven’t been given all the deets about what exactly this new exam-able PE class will include, but with some exclusive insider info (and a lot of guessing… mostly guessing), I’ve put together a comprehensive how-to guide for getting an A1 in the PE Leaving Cert exam.
I am an expert on the subject, after all.
1. Cheat during the bleep test
I would never condone cheating in any circumstances… except during the bleep test.
That harrowing bi-yearly exercise separated the fit from the weak and the weak from me.
I didn’t so much dread the bleep test as despise it with a loathing that was more intense than any other feeling I had ever felt at the tender young age of 15.
The only thing that could possibly make the bleep test go semi-okay for somebody like me was cheating.
To do so is quite simple too – just distract your PE teacher by boldly announcing that one of the lads was slacking off in the changing rooms.
They’ll be out of there quicker than you’ve ever seen them move before.
Alternatively, lay a spike strip in front of everybody else in the class and sprint to victory. Easy.
2. Blitz your way through the written exam
If you hate PE, chances are you’ve got more of an academic head on you.
If so, performing exceedingly well during the PE written exam should be a piece of cake.
You don’t have to run anywhere or do anything – except use that powerful photographic memory you’ve got to remember the names of some muscles.
You’ll probably have to draw a diagram or something, whatever.
3. Body everybody at dodgeball
Dodgeball is an intense sport… and it’s probably the only thing you’re good at it.
So in order to get those physical activity points, you’re going to have to make a few enemies and maybe send some people to the doctor’s office.
Anything for the points, lads.
4. Strategically place yourself in a group with the fitness-mad girls
There’s been no word as to whether this new PE subject will include group work, but I’m going to go ahead and assume that it does because everything in school and college includes group work and it’s the absolute worst.
To ensure that you exceed in this part of PE, you’re going to want to strategise and make sure you’re in a group with a load of girls who live for fitness.
You know the types – they show up to class in sports bras and leggings and somehow have abs even though they’re 12.
They’re effortlessly good at everything and you are going to take advantage of this.
They won’t want you in their group, but there are very few things that can’t be sorted out by a bribe or two.
5. Never run a mile
PE teachers will try to make you but you’ll make a fool of yourself so just refuse.
6. Play some more dodgeball (it’s the only thing you’re good at)
As above.
7. Take up some cool jazz
Now stay with me on this – apparently, PE students will be able to take jazz dance as part of the new curriculum.
Which is absolutely delightful for those of us who love a bit of blues and ragtime.
Instead of legging it around some track freezing, you’ll be dancing your woes away for that A1.
You probably won’t have a partner because nobody else will want to take up jazz dance but sure look, their loss.
8. Give up
Here, there’s no shame in giving up something you hate.
If PE isn’t your thing, chances are you probably won’t bag that A1 – even if you follow the above tips to a T.
Why not try art or music or Latin instead?
They’re sure to be a lot easier.
