So much has changed in a year

Suffering from suicidal ideation is something I've always struggled with talking about. I don't mind discussing my anxiety disorder publically, in fact, I'm proud to do it, but discussing something as serious and as personal as suicidal ideation is a step that takes a lot of strength and reflection. I never thought I'd be in a place where I felt like I was ready to discuss this, but it's something that not enough people are talking about.

My own mental health journey has been complicated, to say the least, but accepting the good and bad days is part of life with an anxiety disorder.

"I struggled to understand how I could fall back into that place because I was better, right?"

Anyone who suffers from mental health issues knows it isn't a straightforward journey. It's complicated, full of highs and lows, and extremely exhausting. Last autumn, I started to experience suicidal ideation after coming off my antidepressants in 2023.

Anxious thoughts seeped in when I was feeling tired or a little bit low. They knew when to target my mind at its most vulnerable points. They'd prop up when I struggled to fall asleep at night or when I was feeling self-conscious about something. And then they'd slowly build up in my mind. They'd attack my confidence, my self-worth, my strength, and everything in between. The suicidal thoughts made me feel weak, like a failure, like I had lost. I struggled to understand how I could fall back into that place because I was 'better', right? I worked hard to get better, but things started to dwindle.

There were days when those thoughts would pop up on my way to work and I'd just have to continue on as if my mind wasn't telling me to end it all. I could be sitting in the pub with friends, walking around a bookshop, or visiting one of my oldest friends when my mind would fill with doubt.

"I knew under all those unbearable thoughts that I wanted to stay"

"Why are you even here?"

"Nobody needs you around."

"You should've ended things years ago."

"They'd be better off without you."

I knew deep down that those thoughts were because of my anxiety disorder. I knew there was no truth behind them. I knew I wanted to stay. I knew I wanted to continue getting better, but ignoring them can feel impossible at times. A lot of suicidal ideation stems from underlying conditions like depression, generalised anxiety, and PTSD, or other factors like genetics, life stressors, and chronic pain. I knew my previous issues were to blame, but finding the strength to fight those thoughts wasn't easy.

But I did. I recovered before and I knew I could do it again. I had professional and personal support, but I also knew, under all those unbearable thoughts, that I wanted to stay. My mind may have been thinking one thing, but as my therapist has told me time and time again, those thoughts aren't facts. A handful of friends knew about what was going on, but for the most part, I continued on as normal as possible.

From the outside looking in, everything looked normal. My life looked pretty lovely and carefree, but on the inside, I was exhausted from my mind filling with suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. I didn't think I was strong enough to do it. There was one day in particular when I was just so tired. I kept thinking about how if this happened once, it could happen again, but then little glimmers would pop up.

Slowly, but surely, I'd find myself looking forward to things again, thinking about the future, and allowing myself to feel hopeful.

It is so hard to imagine feeling better when you're so mentally ill that all you can think about is ending things. I remember reaching out to a suicide helpline because I just didn't have the energy to keep fighting. It was a particularly bad night and everything just felt like it was tumbling down on me. The volunteers, who have supported me numerous times, helped me see that there would be happier days, but they also reminded me that the bad ones don't mean you're a failure. They give you perspective, they give you strength, and they make you realise why you fought in the first place. They make you appreciate those happier moments so much more, moments you almost didn't get to experience, moments you never thought you'd be here for.

There are so many memories I never would've made if it wasn't for the professional and personal support I sought. I keep catching myself reveling in little moments lately because they're the reason I stayed. They're the reason I'm still here.

A year has now passed since those low points and I don't even recognise the person I was then. I was convinced my life was over last year.

I was ready for it to end and I can’t tell you how grateful I am to still be here. I know talking about suicidal ideation and mental health is intense, and honestly it can be very overwhelming for me personally, but it’s so important to remind people that there is always hope. There is always a reason to stay. 2024 nearly didn’t happen for me but it has and it’s become one of the best years I’ve ever had because I stayed. I clung onto a tiny semblance of hope when everything felt consumed by darkness.

If you’re suffering mentally then please seek support because everyone deserves it. Never let anyone make you feel like your issues aren’t important because they are. Everyone deserves mental health care and deserves to be supported through the dark days so they can make it to the happier ones.

You can contact Samaritans on 116 123 or text the crisis helpline on 50808 for mental health support.