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2nd April 2017
09:53pm BST
2. "I'm gonna eat my face off until Monday."
Six days of intense carb-loading is an essential precursor to every health kick. We need to stockpile the calories for all the intensive training we're going to be doing.
3. "Ballet barre class is booked, best hundred quid ever spent."
We spend our lives in search of an exercise class that is like exercise but is not really exercise. Like when we thought ballet barre was just such an exercise class, graceful and gentle. This is not the case; it is actually like ballet for heifers. They also make you do the whole class in front of a wall of mirrors – if the gruelling class doesn't make you cry, the sight of your pudgy attempts at ballet most definitely will.
4. "Just booking the class is making me feel more virtuous and glowy. I think I'm gonna get a mocha latte with whipped cream as a reward."
The moment right before starting a fitness craze is the most optimistic point of the fitness journey before any sweating or effort has actually been exerted. Just thinking about being healthier gives us that runner's high we're always hearing about. Maybe instead of joining the gym we should spend 40 minutes 3 times a week just thinking about getting fit.
5. "I can't go to ballet barre in joggers, I need to find my new fitness style.
Prepare to spend the next three hours lost in a fitstagram haze while deciding what celeb wears the best chic fitness fash. Then purchase some fashiony, neon gym gear that no Irish complexion could ever pull off.
6. "I'm going to need a lot of protein balls, coconut water and a spiraliser before I get started with the detox."
Now prepare to trawl the Happy Pear's Instagram for at least an hour while eating the last of the chocolate biscuits, toast and pop tarts that need to be consumed before the detox can begin properly. Feeling lighter and cleaner already.
7. "I may as well give up coffee since I'm giving up everything else."
If you've never tried to give up coffee before, it is best not to attempt it in conjunction with other hardships such as diet and fitness. It's too risky. Giving up coffee will give you a headache like nothing you have ever experienced before, and you will be angrier than a hormonal lady tiger. Throw ballet barre and courgetti into the mix and you're liable to attack the next person who innocently strays into your eye line holding a takeaway coffee.
8. "I'm on a cleanse."
Smugly tell everyone you meet, despite having done nothing whatsoever bar paying for the dreaded fitness class.
9. "Can't waste a precious mum's night out on a detox – a few pre-detox celebratory drinks are in order. But I won't have any sugar, I'll just get vodka-sodas with fresh lime. And I'm only having three. No probs."
The pre-exercise high coupled with the practically straight vodka you're drinking conspire to get you somewhat over-refreshed. Tell everyone at the pub that you don't want to lose weight, you just want to be a strong whoo-man, and then bore the shite out of anyone who'll listen with tales of quinoa porridge and nutritional yeast.
10. "Can't make it to Ballet Barre due to this insane hangover, I'd better just get a hot chicken roll to buoy me through the next four hours of toddler screaming. Next week."
Ah, next week.
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