Sorry to be so blunt about it.

There isn't really any delicate way of putting it; most humans don't know how to clean themselves properly after going twosies. That's according to one expert anyway. We didn't know you could be an expert in this, but Rose George has written the book on it. Literally. The Big Necessity: The Unmentionable World of Human Waste and Why It Matters looks at human waste from a number of angles, one of which is how people clean up. "I find it rather baffling that millions of people are walking around with dirty anuses while thinking they are clean," she told Tonic. "Toilet paper moves shit, but it doesn't remove it. You wouldn't shower with a dry towel; why do you think that dry toilet paper cleans you?" Fair point. Disgusting, but fair. Dry toilet paper use is also linked with nasty things like haemorrhoids and urinary tract infections, so is it time to replace it with something else? Rose George reckons bidets, the small fixtures you'd see in bathrooms abroad (and some here, to be fair) are the answer. But what to do if you don't have one or having to hand-wash yourself doesn't appeal to you? You could of course wet toilet paper, or start using biodegradable, plastic-free wet wipes (the regular kind are shocking for the environment and most home plumbing systems). Alternatively, Metro points out that you can buy soft reusable flannels that you put in a specific bin and wash later. Call us precious, but we'd go for eco-friendly wipes or a splash of water on regular paper over that option.