Confession was weird.
Every so often, the school would decide that everyone was a giant sinner and needed to receive forgiveness from an appointed professional for their sins.
Off we all lumped to the nearest church, scrambling our minds for fabricated sins that were tame enough for a fragile priest’s ears.
Here’s a list of confessions that you diluted for the Lord himself.
I did not show love when I… Fought with my sister
The real sin here is that you bit her on the arm and she still has a scar. She even put a bandage around it for attention, so you bit her again for being a drama queen. Divil.
I did not show love when I… Was mean to Mam
She had the same dinner two days in a row and you’d had a tough day of colouring in and being adorable. Woman needed to be told that it was unacceptable. However, she did not need to be compared to a Guantanamo Guard inflicting various torture methods on you until you’d crack.
I did not show love when I… Forgot to do my homework
The teacher lost her rag and threw a copybook at you. She should be the one in confession. You didn’t have time for homework, there was a squirrel on the way home that needed to be chased.
I did not show love when I… Broke a plate
Practicing various potential career paths such as waitressing was an essential part of any childhood. Let’s see how many plates you can stack up your arm without dropping them. Apparently, just the one. An honest mistake, Father.
I did not show love when I… Used a bad word
You used several bad words. Words that would make a grown priest cry. Words that a Danny Boyle film would be hesitant to include. Words that would 100% result in a soap bath for your mouth if Mam found out. Heathen.
I did not show love when I… Accidentally kicked the dog
This was a genuine mistake. He was nervously standing at the top of the stairs so you gave him a little nudge of encouragement to get him on his way. Little Rusty didn’t expect it and went tumbling down. You cried and smothered him in kisses for days.
I did not show love when I… Called my friend Kate a witch
In fairness she was being an absolute bitch and that’s precisely what you called her. A bottle of Yop for a Dairy Milk is a fair lunchtime swap and she’d do well to recognise that.
I did not show love when I… Made Dad angry
He’d just done the garden when you and your friends decided it was time for a mudpie baking tutorial. You dug holes that almost reached China in search of the perfect bit of muck. Dad used a few bad words and now also needs to attend confession.
I did not show love when I… Stole money from my brother
That little jerk still has his Communion money tucked away. You maliciously went in search of loose change and returned with a crisp €10. It was inevitable, you were forced to do it. How is a child supposed to manage their finances when theft is an option?
I did not show love when I… Mooned a motorist
It was a long drive back from the annual school tour to the local shopping centre. Fizzy drinks had been consumed and high jinks were rampant. You nominated yourself to moon the motorists behind the bus, which turned out to be your neighbour. Caught rapid.
