10 Things… That Should Never Be Heard On A First Date

There’s been some witty flanter (that’s flirty banter to you and I) and he’s managed to woo you enough to seal the deal for a first date. While you’re pulling down the skirt further down your thigh, you can’t help but feel a tad bit nervous. What if you don’t like him? What if he doesn’t like you? What if you say the wrong thing? We think you’re in pretty good shape to get this far, but just in case, maybe skip some of these one-liners… “You’re Paying” You’re looking at the menu and seeing your bank balance flash before your eyes. It’s called 50/50 – chances are he’s on the same monthly countdown to payday. Just try not to keep count of every side he’s adding to the bill… “My ex-boyfriend/ This Guy I Used To Date…” … who has now made it into the conversation on a date with a NEW beau. What’s that cricket sound? Where did that rolling tumbleweed come from? Yes, that’s an awkward silence I need to fill. Oh look, more personal details you don't need to know... “I hate *insert name*” We live in Ireland, so chances are your mortal enemy is related, best friends or a long-lost cousin of your dinner date. Chinese whispers is not great craic when it comes back on you. “Your place or mine?” Said no successful guy on a first date ever. Good luck trying to win us over. We’re downing another glass of wine to break through that tension. “I love children” If you were planning on heading back to his before, this is his chance to run. Keep the baby-names on the back-burner for now. Little Caitlin will have to wait her turn. The wrong name You’ve promised an hour of your lives to this person. How hard is it to get the name right? Just don’t keep muttering it under your breath. That’s just weird. Comments About Another Girl It’s always nice to hear a compliment… even moreso when it’s actually aimed at us. You’re sitting across from us. Please stop ogling every second body in the restaurant. We're clearly a better option... “So, what’s wrong with you? How are you still single?” We want to know too. Because we’ve been sitting here while you muster some small talk and time has done the impossible and stood still. The glimmer of long-lost love is dying, and quickly replaced by a dip into despair. This is our date for the night. We’re too picky you say? You’re not picky enough. “And she’ll have…” Oh thank God. We had no idea how we were going to explain to the waiter that our tongue was cut off in a hideous fork-knife incident. Oh wait, it wasn't. And we’re well able to answer for ourselves. Here’s another phrase we’ve mastered, “more wine please”. “I’m not trying to be rude but…” You’ve managed to follow this up with a string of offensive comments that would make Katie Hopkins blush. We’re getting our coats, thanks. **Honorary Mention…** “I’ve never been in a relationship…” We’re suddenly picturing him as the ultimate player with a fedora hat and feather plume. It’s more likely he’s spent one too many Saturday nights out with the lads off the GAA team. Proceed with EXTREME caution.