Sexy time is a time for aggressive dry humping and attempting to keep the bed from sliding around too much.
It is not the time for having the chats but still some persist in keeping up a running commentary of proceedings that to my mind completely wrecks the mood. I know what you’re doing down there, I don’t need to hear about it. Pretty much any soundtrack from unnecessary updates, rogue farts to bad music can destroy the mood.
Here’re 10 things you never want to hear during sex:
The Bloodhound Gang
Just no.
“Where did it go?”
Whatever the ‘it’ refers to doesn’t really matter, you just generally don’t want things disappearing at this moment.
What’s that sound?
Unfamiliar sounds of the slapping, smacking variety should never be investigated further, just do your best to block them out and focus on the Dido CD. If it is the sound of approaching footsteps, however, react with due urgency.
“This reminds me of…”
Any comparisons to previous partners are not cool. Neither, apparently, is likening sex to that time you felt sick on the Waltzer at Funderland no matter how jerky it is.
“He likes that.”
BAH referring to genitals with personal pronouns is NOT on.
Pet names
I knew a dick called Mr. Tiddles once; we parted ways rapidly. Pet names for genitals are deeply disturbing. Unless it’s us, in which case we reserve the right to call our vagina The SheBitch if we so please
The wrong name
This happens far too frequently especially when there’s a short gap between relationships though I find saying names during, in general, is a bit weird. Too American. Most Irish names just sound funny in that context.
“Let’s look at each other while we cum.”
Blech, let’s not. The starring is creepy and the faces we pull should not be witnessed ever if at all possible.
“Stop laughing.”
If we’re having sex with someone, generally the aim is to titillate not to amuse them with our saucy antics. Sometimes though it’s just too funny, example The Man saying “I see you’re wearing your hair-tights this evening.”
*Sniffs the air* “Is that you or me?”
If you’re hearing this, there’s a slight possibility you’ve been together TOO LONG.
