We KNOW we're not supposed to think of blow jobs as chores.  But what we envision as an incredibly intimate and sexy act of lust, inevitably ends up as a glorified hand job and a pain in the neck. Quite frankly, blow jobs suck. Here's why they shouldn't be a thing.

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1. Fashioning your mouth into a toothless gorge In an effort to protect their precious soldier from your gnashers, you end up looking like the Scream mask. Not hot. 2. He gets too eager He just can't seem to help himself from ruffling your hair. Don't get us started on the subtle head push. Oops... did we accidentally bear our teeth? 3. Speaking of hair... You want to leave it free-flowing and goddess-like. But half of it WILL end up in your mouth. You'll have to take a break to tie it up, and do you THINK you'll find a bobbin? 4. It feels like it takes forever Time stands still when you're giving head. Have I been doing this for 30 minutes? Or five? I could have watched an episode of OITNB, which is all I'm thinking about while doing this anyway. 5. It's NOT romantic It's your time of month, but your boyfriend wants to "make love". He looks wistfully out the window. "If only there was another way". It's NOT the same. 6. The books tell you to make eye contact But it's actually quite difficult at this angle. Plus, he looks really weird when he's getting head. Blink, mate, you're scaring me. 7. The balls dilemma What do you actually do with them? Plus, you don't have an extra hand now that you have to hold your hair back. (WHERE is that bobbin.) 8. Surprise dental floss Of the pubic hair variety. Brb, crying forever. 9. Breathing issues This is a source of great debate in Her Towers. Breath through your mouth - you WILL make horrendous noises. Breathe through your nose - I thought the point was NOT to gag. 10. The final countdown  To spit or to swallow? And that's if you get the chance to decide. SURPRISE! A big mouthful of seawater. 11. So much drama All that moaning and groaning you do while he's coming deserves an Oscar. In fact the entire ordeal deserves an award of some sort.