12 things we need to understand about our pregnant friend (if we are to remain friends)
When your friend gets pregnant along with all the joy and excitement, there's bound to be a bit of confusion.
Just WTF is up with her? It's a confusing and emotional and HUNGRY time. Those preggo ladies need a lot of care and support from us so here're 12 things we need to understand about our pregnant friend (if we are to remain friends)...
She is very VERY tired
It doesn't make much sense – she's only been pregnant for about five minutes, it's not like she's lugging around a bump yet but still oddly the first few months of growing that foetus from a sperm to a bouncing adorable little blueberry-sized thing is the hardest work.
She can't come out on Saturday night because she is most likely wedged down the back of the sofa...
See point 1 she is very VERY tired. It's hard to convey this to anyone who has never gestated before, but the tiredness is so profound that at times just moving from the couch to the kettle and back feels like trudging through a swimming pool of custard while wearing a medieval suit of armour.
She is crying because she has never been happier or sadder
If she is hitting maximum crybaby feels, best to cradle her and make sure that she doesn't try to watch One Born Every Minute...
She is being a bitch...
This is because the hormones are strong in her now. Steer clear of pissing her off, if at all possible but also be aware that really random things might piss her off. Pregnant women are unpredictable like that. Imagine Tyra Banks at her most 'disappointed' (read f*cking crazy) on ANTM and that is about a 10 percent indicator of how insane pregnant women can get. Preggers bitches be cray, but DON'T, whatever you do, say that to them. Just speak softly in soothing tones and never turn your back to them. They may lash out.
She is eating everything in sight because wine is off the menu
And she's got a little foetus to feed – adorbs. Foetus' are known for their unusual tastes in snack foods, if she is eating capers over vanilla ice cream, do not judge – she might sit on you.
She is gassy
So, so gassy.
She is queasy
So, so queasy...
She is TMI-ing you to the max
Just go with it. Weird shit is happening to her, sometimes she needs a witness to all the crazy, freaky things a body does while growing a baby. Just try to unhear the bits about nipples leaking and loss of bladder control.
You need to put on some sympathy weight...
It's the least we can do. Nothing pisses a pregnant woman off more than people refusing to get fat with her.
She is a lot like a cat...
The hormones give her the mercurial temperament of a moody cat; she may develop a sudden and inexplicable devotion to anchovies, and she is liable to nap randomly, whenever, wherever she pleases.
She does not look good dancing
It is so, so hard to pull off dancing with a baby bump – it's like a law of life. Most of the modern styles of dance just look jarring when it comes to being pregnant. No one ever pulled off crunking with a preggo belly. Best not to tell her this.
She is right about everything
Just to be on the safe side, because, you know, hormones. And don't eat anything in front of her if you don't have a spare one in your pocket, no secret twixes allowed. Don't annoy her.